Fight or Flight...or Surrender?

The Dessert Song by Hillsong 

Verse 1:This is my prayer in the desertAnd all that's within me feels dryThis is my prayer in the hunger in meMy God is a God who provides 

Verse 2:And this is my prayer in the fireIn weakness or trial or painThere is a faith provedOf more worth than goldSo refine me Lord through the flames 

Chorus:And I will bring praiseI will bring praiseNo weapon forged against me shall remain
I will rejoiceI will declareGod is my victory and He is here 

Verse 3:And this is my prayer in the battleAnd triumph is still on it's wayI am a conqueror and co-heir with ChristSo firm on His promise I'll stand 

Bridge:All of my lifeIn every seasonYou are still GodI have a reason to singI have a reason to worship 

Verse 4:This is my prayer in the harvestWhen favor and providence flowI know I'm filled to be empited againThe seed I've recieved I will sow 

As we sang this in church yesterday I got that little sob in my throat that prevented me from singing half the song as it completely describes my life over the past couple months.  "Desert" was how I had been describing my spiritual journey.  There may have been small glasses of water scattered throughout but a little glass only goes so far when one is parched dry.  Then something happened; I started to see in the far distance shades of green.  As I got closer, I saw that there was a waterfall and a large pool of cool, crystal-clear water.  The air cleared of dust and became cool as the sun warmed my face.  The lyrics in the above song reference some of the scripture that led me to that lush place of nourishment.

It all began much like how Eve's life began in our home.  Eve, or Evy, is a cat whom my husband and I rescued from the street.  When she came to us, she was very sick.  She had a really bad respiratory infection, was infested with fleas that sucked her blood into an anemic state, and was half her ideal weight.

We had to give Evy two different kinds of medicine: one for the infection and the other a vitamin complex for her anemia, which would help her to gain weight.  Frightened, giving Evy medicine was a challenge.  She would get so worked up as we tried to hold her down and squirt the liquid into her mouth that her breathing became shallow and labored.  She would flail her paws and scratch up our arms and try to flee.  Evy didn't understand that we were on her side; trying to help her heal from her afflictions.  In her effort to get away from us, she was causing herself harm.

Eve when we took her in--very affectionate but scraggly fur

Eve after about a week--fur already shinier and softer

One day as I was trying to give Eve her medicine on my own, I identified with her struggle.  She didn't like the medicine.  She didn't like being held down in order to receive it.  Trying to escape from what seemed like something bad but was actually something very good put her in a worse state than she already was in.  How ridiculous that God used a starving sickly cat to show me myself.

Eve about 3 weeks into living with us
VS

Eve the day after we took her in

At that time, I was trying really hard to do my Christian duty by spending time in the word, serving God's children, and going to church.  It all seemed like a chore.  I didn't want to do those things anymore.  I thought back to other times of struggle in my life where I clung to those things because they were so rich in life; they were my sustenance, my glasses of water in the desert.  This time, I seemed to be coming up empty.  My journal reads over and over, "Speak to me, Lord!  Give me direction!"  I'm glad I didn't give up because one day He did.

I made myself go to church even though Andrew had gone to an earlier service while I was working at a job I hate.  The day was already long and I don't like going to church on my own.  I had been wrestling with God about what to do with my time regarding service to Him through church.  I love serving the middle school kids on Tuesday nights at Surge.  I was just concluding a time of service for another ministry at our church called reGROUP (a ministry which helps adults find spiritual and emotional healing from their hurts, habits, and hang-ups), sensing that God was asking me to step down and refocus my time.  The question was whether I just focused on my 8th grade girls at Surge or trade my time at reGROUP to help launch a new ministry for the students similar to reGROUP.

As soon as I sat down, a saw a couple sliding past people in my row and sat next to me.  It was Jack, the director of reGROUP.  I thought it was ironic.  The service proceeded and I sensed God's presence strongly upon me.  The sermon was on Galatians 6:7-10.  The passage that stuck out to me was verse 9:

"And let us not grow weary of doing good, for in due season we will reap, if we do not give up."

My notes from the sermon read:

"We won't see the results of our efforts when we want to...

**Are my trials--the things which are testing my patience--preparing me for a future challenge?**"

This was the catalyst for a changed perspective that allowed me to see the green on the horizon at the edge of my desert.  From there on, I broke away from a Bible study I was working through which felt like a mundane chore and began just allowing the word to speak to me.  In other words, I stopped making God hold me down so that He could inject His word into my mouth like a necessary treatment for life and began allowing His word to just wash into me like a flowing stream of nourishment.

I had just begun a new gym membership and decided that instead of plugging my earphones into the TV audio box on the elliptical trainer, I would listen to the New Testament on my i-pod.  The first day, God illuminated Matthew 10, where he tells how Jesus sent out his disciples without anything but the clothes on their backs and their walking sticks and tells them to trust the Father to provide; that if they are in a place where the message of Christ is received, then He will provide for all of their needs.  That seemed significant to my journey.  If I'm constantly fighting against how I'm spending my time, then maybe I'm not where I'm supposed to be.  Maybe I just need to surrender my time to the Lord and watch Him provide?

A couple days later I'm sitting in a lobby during an errand I was running.  There's people all around and I'm waiting for a guy to come out and tell me how much he thinks my car is worth so that I can sell it.  I'm thumbing through the gospels with the truth from Matthew 10 weighing on my heart and thinking how passionate I am about discipleship to teenagers.  My eye caught the tail-end of Matthew 9:

"And Jesus went throughout all the cities and villages, teaching in their synagogues and proclaiming the gospel of the kingdom and healing every disease and every affliction. When he saw the crowds, he had compassion for them, because they were harassed and helpless, like sheep without a shepherd.  Then he said to his disciples, 'The harvest is plentiful, but the laborers are few;  therefore pray earnestly to the Lord of the harvest to send out laborers into his harvest.'" (emphasis mine)

I did everything I could not to break down and cry.  When I see the words "he had compassion for them" and "harassed and helpless" I think of teenagers, particularly middle school kids.  For over a week, any time I shared with someone what God placed on my heart regarding my desire to see teenagers come to know and grow in Christ, I would just sob with the compassion that overwhelmed me.  I know that there are many "groups" of people that could be described as "harassed and helpless"--the elderly, the homeless, people living in impoverished countries around the world, prostitutes, orphans, etc...--but the people I see when I read this passage are teenagers.  I wrote in my journal that day,

"This is a passage which has had meaning in my life before but I have never felt so emotional about it.  I think that more recently I have seen more deeply into people's hearts; from the very young to the very old.  I have seen how 'harassed and helpless' people can be.  None of these is more so that teenagers.  I feel so strongly drawn back into the kind of work I left in my own time of helplessness when I first moved to Florida...I feel drawn to an outreach and discipleship minded ministry...Lord, my desires, dreams, and visions just keep increasing until I think I might burst!  I'm at a point of surrender, only I know not which direction to fall.  I guess I must simply fall and trust that You will catch me."

Since then, I've been deeply investigating these passages in Matthew 9 and 10 with fervor.  I'm seeking counsel and prayer from those around me whom I trust and who trust Christ with their lives.  I'm looking back at Galatians 6:9 and seeing how God has already used my past trials to prepare me for a this current challenge which allows me to trust more deeply that I simply need to "not grow weary in doing good." I must trust that the seeds I am sowing through my current obedience to Christ will produce everlasting fruit in the future.   From the desert to the harvest, God is Lord of all and I am His daughter, "so firm on his promise I'll stand."

Waiting, and Waiting, and Waiting...

Part One

Typical Andrew and Bethany expressions...

I have been a married woman for officially six days.  I write this as we drive back from our honeymoon.  So far, married life has been one I’ve easily settled into.  I’m not sure I’ve come to fully absorb it’s reality, however, and won’t be too naive to suggest that I’ve got this whole marriage thing figured out.  In all honesty, I know that I don’t and trust it will be something both Andrew, my husband, and I will be figuring out for the rest of our lives.  One thing I am sure of is that this is something we’ve both been waiting for through most of our lives.  The weeks which dwindled quickly into the days leading up to our wedding day, I was enlightened to a number of things which I had been waiting for that seemed to suddenly come to fruition.  Most of them have to do practically with our wedding and marriage, and though others seem relatively unrelated, I think God worked it all into one big plan for me to see how big of a God I serve.

Soon after our engagement, Andrew and I were faced with the reality that we didn’t really have much money, if any, to spare for wedding expenses.  We’ve both been working really hard for minimal pay.  We’d both been, and still are, in the midst of career transitions and money was tight; even in our day to day living.  Extenuating circumstances with my parents meant that, unless we waiting an additional 4-6 months to be married, we would be on our own for our December 30th wedding.  We prayed individually, together, and with those we trusted and we discussed logistics for setting a date throughout the first month of our four month engagement.  December 30th was the day to which we were fairly certain God was leading.  We set that date with great faith, not knowing how we were going to pay for our wedding.  Knowing we had enough money for a marriage license, we talked many times about running to the courthouse--which I learned from many married couples is a common discussion amongst engaged couples.

We stepped out in faith and our Father met us there...wherever “there” was for any given situation or need.  God’s provision for our wedding reminded me of the wedding at Cana as told in John 2:1-12; ironically and unknowingly chosen by my parents for the theme verse for the wedding cake which they designed for us.  It seemed there were times that we pleaded for His provision, waited, then pleaded again.  He met us in every possible way for our needs (not necessarily all of our wants, but many of our wants and all of our needs). Many times this happened at the last minute and in a way which we least expected, just as the master of the wedding feast at Cana wasn’t expecting the lack of wine to be remedied by a miracle performed by the Son of God and Savior of the World.

While we didn’t have wine at our wedding, there were many things we had that we can only attribute to God working through other’s for us and for His glory.  For an abbreviated list, consider this:

• The church gave us a discount, moreover having the reception there, the cost of our wedding location was very minimal.  Still, it was several hundred dollars which we didn’t have.  Through some very generous gifts, however, the cost was covered, still having money left over for our marriage license and for Andrew (an auto-mechanic who enjoys roughhousing with his middle school boys small group; enough said) to get very badly needed glasses.  
• Guests, and especially the bridal party, were generous in their contributions for our potluck reception.  
• The ceremony music was arranged and performed live at no cost by members of our wedding party.  
• The photography, lights, sound, set up, tear-down, and even on site coordination of the entire day was done voluntarily by dear friends from the church and middle school students from the church’s youth ministry.  
• The minister, the pastor of the middle school ministry where Andrew and I met as volunteer leaders, officiated free of charge (he became licensed through the church to officiate weddings because we asked him to officiate ours).  

Most importantly, the name of Jesus and the Truth of the Gospel were clearly proclaimed by word and deed.  It was really a picture of people coming together as in the first church did as depicted in Acts 2:42-47.  There were so many small things which came together that would make this blog entry far too lengthy, if it isn’t already.

A few days before the wedding day itself, the inevitable question, “Where will you take your honeymoon?” began to arise consistently.  The answer to this question was difficult.  We knew what we had hoped to do but we had faced the reality that we may be spending our wedding night in the small condo which we were sharing with our friend, Sarah--furthest thing from ideal!  While we would have made it work and made it wonderful, it was definitely not our ideal picture.

Just a few of those that helped make
our dream wedding become a reality

The day before our wedding, we received a highly unexpected gift.  A very good friend of Andrew’s (one of the groomsmen) and his wife set us up with a beautiful hotel room in downtown Orlando on the night of our wedding, along with four nights on the beach on Jekyll Island, Georgia.  A final night was a gift from Andrew’s parents, using travel points, at a Hampton on the island.  Our dream of honeymooning on the ocean became a glorious reality.  I couldn’t have imagined of a better way to bring in 2012; with a husband on an island on the ocean.  Besides that, the gifts from our wedding guests totaled to several hundred dollars in cash, which allowed us to enjoy our time together without worrying about spending too much on meals.

Throughout our wedding planning, though I fell into times of great stress and anxiety over our finances and the costs of just about everything, I tried to rest my faith in Matthew 6.  The chapter became very real to me over this time.  The couple who gave us the honeymoon did so with tact and grace, portraying Jesus’ command in verses 1-4; “...when you give to the needy, do not let your left hand know what your right hand is doing, so that your giving may be in secret...”  

I’m not sure I’ve experienced such a blatant answer to prayer as I have through this experience of getting married on pennies.  I’ve seen Matthew 6:19-24 with so much more clarity in what God has done through mine and Andrew’s marriage.  So many times I felt as if money and jobs were dictating our identity and our lives.  How many times had I cried out to God to free me from that place and I’ve experienced significant freedom in the generosity of my fellow believers.  Just a couple weeks ago Andrew and I looked at our bank accounts and wondered how we’d get through the next week, wedding aside.  Now, as we look at joining our accounts, we can breath again.

Part Two

As I mentioned at the beginning of this post, it hasn’t just been the wedding that has shown me God’s enduring presence in my life.  Cherishing my self-image; that is my inner and outer beauty; has been a plea of mine to God for as long as I can remember.  This is another place in my life where God has done significant work over the past few months.

Without realizing it, my desire to leave my life of singleness has had a significant influence on my self-image.  For twenty-eight years I prayed that God would bring me my “Prince Charming,” my rescuer, my “soul-mate.”  The question, “Am I worthy?”  has constantly been a doubt in my mind.  For many years I was okay discovering my independence, pouring over Paul’s words in 1 Corinthians 7:25-40.  “Can I do it on my own?  Can I find fulfillment in God alone?”  In theory, I can do it on my own and have found fulfillment in God alone as much as a broken individual can hope for but I long felt the calling for marriage.  Getting into my late twenties, one might say that fear of being single forever began to tap me on the shoulder.

Well, “prince,” would be a great way to describe Andrew, and he’s definitely been a model of a “rescuer” in my life.  However, he’s not “The Prince,” or “The Rescuer.”  I’ve come to understand that only Jesus Christ can fulfill those roles.  I’ve come to rescind the western societal view of “soul-mate,” either.  However, in a right Biblical role of a man and woman in love (see Ephesians 5:22-33), Andrew is my Prince and my Rescuer; he’s an example for me of how Christ love’s the Church.  Being married to him has brought this image into a whole new light and understanding for me.  That will be a topic for discussion in another post--maybe after I’ve been married longer than a few days!  What I’d like to emphasize, here, now, is that being with Andrew, and now being married to Andrew, has been a big part in my journey toward recognizing my self-worth; the worth with which God created me and furthermore, the worth of my whole life’s meaning.  This is not just to be a wife and a help-mate but an heiress in the Kingdom of God (Romans 8:12-17), a princess (without the lace and gold); not just the bride of a man but the bride of my Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ.

As for the outward side of my self-image, it’s still a bit of a struggle and a mystery to me.  Andrew calls me “pretty” daily and often adds in “beautiful,” and “gorgeous.”  Since I was very young (I’m not certain, but possibly as young as seven years old) I have had an aversion to my skin.  It began with my arms.  I noticed little bumps on my elbows and  knees but what really bothered me was that they were also on the backs of my upper arms.  I hated them and began to pick at them.  Then, when I became older and began puberty, I began to pick at the acne on my face, my neck, and my back.  I’ll save you the psychological map I’ve partially unearthed concerning this issue.  The important aspect of this problem is that these bumps; these imperfections; made me feel ugly.  I mean really ugly.  The problem is that I pick them away and they just come back.  And they come back worse.  Furthermore, the more I pick, the more I want to pick and the greater chance I develop long-term repercussions called scars.  

My struggle with my outward beauty is more than skin deep and has become a vicious cycle.  Once Andrew proposed marriage to me, I became more comfortable disclosing such information with him.  I had decided several times over the past couple years that I wanted to stop picking my skin but proved a failure.  I would come back with more vengeance than before.  With my permission, Andrew offered to hold me accountable--asking me daily, at first, how I was doing with not picking.  He began to be more intentional about telling me how pretty I am and began researching adult acne for me (maybe it’s having been home-schooled but Andrew proves to be a whiz at internet research).  I was very adamant about natural skin care and Andrew found a treatment using fresh lemons that, after a few trials and refinements, works beautifully.  I also began to research and have refined a facial mask using just honey and baking soda.  These combinations draw out the impurities, open up my pores, heal blemishes and diminish the left over red spots.   

Having someone who loves me ask me consistently how I’m doing with my resolution and showing true concern when I don’t follow through, has been a significant blessing from God.  In addition to being held accountable to not pick, I’ve had a companion to help me find a natural way that really works to get rid of acne I’ve had for fourteen years.  It could have been someone else that helped me through this but I’m glad it was my husband.  It drew us together with an intimacy appropriate for that stage in our relationship which now affects us as we draw even closer as man and wife.  For, if a wife is insecure about her self-image; physically or inwardly; then she cannot be fully secure in her relationship with her husband.

I have waited for so long and for much of that waiting, so impatiently.  Patience, or long-suffering, is not something I’ve been very gifted in.  My mother often jokes about the fact that since it only took one hour of labor for me to be born, she hasn’t been surprised that I’m not more patient about other things in life.  In all of this waiting--for a husband, for clear skin, for a breakthrough in my skin picking addiction, and for financial provision for my life and marriage--I’ve been blown away by how God has come through on every little detail.  The desert seemed so vast and so dry and so unbearable while I was in the waiting period for all of these things and now I’m swimming in a sea of God’s grace and mercy.  He’s given me groves of nourishment, fields of blessings, and showers of love.

Dandelions and Treasures

The other night I dreamed that I was showing some kids from church how to pull weeds.  A girl yanked on a dandelion and, as is usually the case, the flower and stem cam off but the roots stayed in the ground.  I showed them how the root needed to be dug out with a spade.  Sure enough a long root came up from the earth.  I looked down into the hole that was left behind a saw more dandelion--an unbloomed bud resting in the earth.  I dug more, and more dandelion root came loose.

Now, as I peered into my hole, which at this point was quite deep, there seemed to be the lip of some sort of pot.  I dug and pulled until the item became loosed from the earth.  Out came a vase of obvious age and quality.  It was intricately made of clay, glazed and fired with expertise.  The top had been cracked and broken but it was a clean break.  I didn't have to dig much further to find the missing piece.  It was truly a gem.

I looked once again into the hole and, lo!, a second vase, similar to the first, loosed from the ground which had so tightly held that dandelion root with ease.  The pair were truly a find.  I seemed all the turmoil of digging up the stubborn dandelion roots had reaped a joyous end.


Why I had this dream, I'm not sure, but it has most definitely brought me some peace and joy in my life.  It seems that God may be teaching me something about life's trials.  The Struggle has worth; a value that may not be realized in the process.  Taking the time, the perseverance, the effort to dig out the root of a problem which, on the surface seems relatively harmless--if not a bit attractive--could unearth surprising and unexpected blessings.  These blessings may seem largely unrelated to the trial but are, regardless, gifts from God.

Really funny, God. Are you serious?

It appears that God is always serious when it comes to calling His children to serve Him within their giftedness, however, I've been staring in disbelief as I've discovered what God has called me to this time around.  Actually, it isn't so different from the vision He's given me from the beginning.

God and I had a conversation a while back that sounded a lot like this:

God:  Bethany, you are going to serve me in full-time youth ministry.

Me: Uhhh...no, I'm not. (Goes about her business)

God:  Bethany, you are going to serve me in full-time youth ministry.

Me:  Um, yeah, no.  You are kidding!  I'm not going into full-time ministry.

God:  No, really, Bethany.  I'm serious.  I need you to serve me in full-time youth ministry.

Me: I am?

God: Yes.  You are.

Me: Oh.

God: (patiently waiting)

Me:  God, I think I need to serve you in full-time youth ministry.

God:  Yes.  You are.

Me:  I'm going to serve God in full-time youth ministry!!!

That conversation, had in January of 2005, launched me on a crazy journey.  I began talking to people and getting involved in youth events--mainly Student Venture conferences (Campus Crusade for Christ's high school outreach) where I fell in love with what God was doing in the lives of teenagers and later that year, began a 1 1/2 year internship.  In July of 2007 I joined staff full-time where I really connected deeply with high school girls.  I saw kids come to know Jesus in a very personal way and walked through some really difficult issues with them.  I saw a lot of hurt in America's sweet sixteens.

Then my own hurt attacked me from a sidewind.  In the beginning of 2009, my "best friend" from college, in an abusive co-dependent relationship, began to really get into deep depression and reliance on me and her boyfriend.  Me, having my own dependency issues, tried to be her savior.  I was, of course, in ministry, wasn't I?  I had all the answers, didn't I?  I could rescue her, couldn't I, just like I could rescue all of the girls I was working with, right?

Well, it just so happens that the situation didn't turn out that way.  I lost my friendship with this great friend while on vacation with her at Disney World.  It was messy, dirty, and distorted beyond repair.  I was devastated.  Was I rescuing her as a way to rescue myself?  Working with the high school girls became exhausting as I walked through this tragedy in my life and my health went into a downward spiral.

That summer I found myself in Fort Collins, Colorado, taking Bible classes with fellow Student Venture staff.  It had turned into a refuge of being surrounded by like-minded believers--a time for healing and discovering myself.  The pain was worse than any physical pain I had experienced and it only seemed to get worse as I dug deep to find out what weapon had penetrated me so deeply.  By the end of the summer I found myself on anti-depressants and anti-anxiety medication.  I would cry for hours thinking about going back to my high school girls as I could barely even take care of myself.

My emotional state was taken very seriously by the leaders of the ministry.  After much discussion, and much resistance from me, we decided that it would be best if I moved to Orlando, Florida, to work behind a computer at the national headquarters rather than face to face with the teenagers.  I reluctantly moved...

And then I joyfully stayed.  God opened up, not only the root of my pain that I might heal, but also a view into gifts He had given me which I had been ignoring.  I realized that, yes, I still have a passion for teenagers and women but also a passion and talent for writing, among many other things.

As I prayed about how I could combine my two passions, my financial support for my ministry began to struggle.  I worked fervently off and on for a year to build a team of financial support that would sustain the ministry God had given me.  When instead of growing, my team kept shrinking, I began to look into other options.  What God led me to do was not something I ever expected but seemed only right--leave the ministry.

As of August first, for the first time since January of 2006, I was not getting a paycheck from Student Venture.  I was living ministry partner free.  It's been an odd feeling...until now.

Enter the love of my life, Andrew Marinelli.  We are getting married on December 30th.  Both of us have been praying about God's leading for our life and work since we first became serious 5 1/2 months ago.  About 2 1/2 months ago, Andrew mentioned that there was a job he was interested in with a ministry called New Tribes Mission working as a mechanic.  He mentioned that he'd have to raise financial support.  I laughed inside.  "Uh-uh.  No way." I thought to myself.  Out loud it sounded more like, "well, it's something to look into but I don't know how I feel about the support raising thing. I'm so weary of that life right now."

As it time went on and job searches kept going forth, NTM kept coming up.  As it turned out, Andrew heard of a writing job for me in the same ministry.  "No way," I thought.  "I'm not raising support again."  I looked into it just to honor Andrew, figuring that I could say I looked and that I wasn't interested.  The only problem was that I really was interested!  I started to laugh at God and having the same conversation as before.  "No way.  You're kidding, God, I'm not rebuilding a financial ministry team again," to which God's reply was the same as before, "Yes, Bethany, you are."

Unlike any other time when I've seen something I liked (like the moment I first saw Andrew for who he is), I couldn't accept it right way.  It took a lot of prayer and research and questions asked before I could really commit.  God brought me through this journey, brought me out of ministry so that I could write, and then brought me right back into ministry...so that I can write.

My life over the last few years has been a lot of tears and pain, a lot of healing and rejoicing, and a lot of very uncomfortable changes.  All of this so that I could be right where God wanted me so that I could follow the dreams that I always thought I could never live out.

God may have a sense of humor but He also knows the plans for our lives.

Proverbs 3:5-8 

Trust in the LORD with all your heart,   and do not lean on your own understanding.In all your ways acknowledge him,   and he will make straight your paths.Be not wise in your own eyes;   fear the LORD, and turn away from evil.It will be healing to your flesh   and refreshment to your bones.

Jeremiah 29:11-14 

For I know the plans I have for you, declares the LORD, plans for welfare and not for evil, to give you a future and a hope. Then you will call upon me and come and pray to me, and I will hear you.  You will seek me and find me, when you seek me with all your heart. I will be found by you, declares the LORD, and I will restore your fortunes and gather you from all the nations and all the places where I have driven you, declares the LORD, and I will bring you back to the place from which I sent you into exile.

When God Shows His Face

Over the course of our relationship, Andrew has been seeking God's will for his job and praying for provision.  One of the things that drew me to Andrew is watching him follow Christ in this process.  As he saw the Lord leading him to an auto-mechanics job for New Tribes Mission, a ministry that seeks to build churches amongst unreached people groups around the world, at their headquarters in Sanford, FL, he began to wrestle with some deep theological questions.  The way God met him with peace came by unlikely means.

One thing that I've learned about Andrew is that I must be patient.  This is especially important as I prepare to be his wife I anticipate a constant waiting.  Andrew is very thorough in decisions that he makes for his life.  Once he had told me that he liked me, it took a week for him to find peace about beginning a relationship with me.  I felt overwhelmingly valued as he sought to honor my heart in his leadership under Christ.  The same was true as he prayed about asking me to be his wife.  When the day came for his marriage proposal, I knew it was because God had given Andrew the complete peace that our marriage would be a union under Christ.

It didn't surprise me that when Andrew was given the opportunity for a job working on cars as a full-time ministry, that he wouldn't take this decision lightly.  He reviewed the organization--the mission, values, and vision for ministry--that he would be a part of something he felt entirely honored to represent.  Being so thorough in his decision making, Andrew is a very deep thinker and, in my opinion, very intelligent.  Therefore, some deep theological issues came up in his time praying about ministry which he began to wrestle with deeply.  It was difficult for me to watch him walk through a time of being so significantly without peace.  Andrew would get so exhausted from studying God's Word and seeking him for answers that, even though he was off from work for several days, he was just as exhausted as if he'd been working on cars for 12 hours each day.  There came a point when he was wrestling so deeply that something had to give.

Andrew had sought out men whom he respected from the church to discuss his struggle.  This was helpful but I finally suggested to him that he contact the man with whom he'd been in contact with at NTM.  God also kept putting a friend of mine from my time with Student Venture (Cru) on my heart as we discussed the issues he was having.  I contacted my friend who gladly agreed to meet with Andrew.  That all set up, Andrew was beginning to feel a bit better about what he was wrestling with.

The day before he was to confer with these two men concerning his questions, he was working at the shop.  It was another slow day--no work means little income--and therefore, frustration.  Then the man who collects the used oil from the shop arrived.

He had seen the Bible sitting in Andrew's car and asked about it.  Acknowledging it as his own, the man proceeded to tell Andrew about how God had transformed his own life.  Standing in the shop, the oil collector and the auto mechanic, the man asked if Andrew would like for him to sing the 23rd Psalm to him.  Finding this an odd request--wouldn't you?--Andrew said, "Oh, that's ok."  The man insisted.

As he sang, Andrew told me that something began to change in him.  Yes, the man had a good voice--good tone quality and control.  He sang well but it was more than just the music.  It was the peculiarity of the situation--the oil collector and the auto mechanic standing in the shop, one singing the 23rd Psalm to the other--that illuminated God's presence in the midst of it all.  As I understand it, there was something about the song--the revelation of God's word in the most unpredictable of places--that allowed the Holy Spirit to wash over Andrew with peace of his omnipresence and faithfulness.

The Joy of Tweens

One of my greatest joys in life right now is volunteering at Summit Church with Surge, the middle school ministry.  I have been walking with a group of ten 12 year old girls for over a year, now.  They are currently in the seventh grade and an absolute joy in my life.

When the school year started this past August, I made it a goal to meet with a different girl each week during this first semester.  It is most definitely a challenge having a schedule where I work mostly nights and weekends and the girls being in school during the week.  God is faithful and allowing me to keep my commitment with Him.  

The time I spend with these girls has proven to be meaningful as I get to know what they are walking through on a day to day basis.  I am privileged to be able to pour into their lives, encouraging them toward Christ.  Teenagers have a lot more challenges in this day and age with internet, cell phones, and parents who both have to work.  I have seen a lot of kids whose parents don't know how to parent and it breaks my heart.  As you've noticed, I mentioned teenagers and yet these girls have only just turned twelve.  What they walk through day to day is a lot more than what I remember having to deal with at their age.

Last week I met with a girl whom I've gotten to know quite well over the past year.  She's always a joy to be around--imaginative and bright.  This young lady is the definition of a Tween--sometimes acts like a teenager and yet still has many child-like characteristics.  She dresses rather stylishly and carries a large pleather bag over her shoulder of which she usually produces some sort of toy.  She's the oldest of three and home-schooled.  I find her parents to be the exception to the rule of an age where parents don't know how to parent.  They are doing a great job with their daughter.  

In fact, when asked one thing she would want to ask God she began talking about her relationship with her siblings.  As she talked about it I listened and then came up with her own answer to her problems.  I added here and there, mostly just agreeing with her that she's becoming more of a teenager and her younger siblings are having to adjust to that, still being children.  Then she added on to that fact with something her dad had share with the three of them--a reference to Romans 12:14-21.  Not only did this girl talk herself through her own problem but shared a Biblical truth with me that I needed to hear that day.

I found that I was ignorantly amazed that a 12 year old girl had encouraged me at a time when I thought was meant to encourage her.  Of course she did.  Tweens still have the innocent faith of a child but are of an age where they are privy to the more intellectual depths of spiritual truths.  How fortunate they are!  

I was definitely reminded of why I love working with middle school students.

I Am Fought For!

On September 7th, 2009, I arrived in Orlando, Florida feeling bruised, beaten, and weary from the war of life.  I had sunk into a deep depression and the words, "I'm alone.  No one will fight for me," ran constantly through my mind.  Upon expressing this thought aloud, a hearer would often say, "God will fight for you--He already has!"  In my mind I knew this was true.  I had gone through the Bible and read stories about God fighting for his people--David and Goliath, Moses and the Red Sea, The Tower of Babel, and God's promise of Jesus' return--but I hadn't experienced it in my life.  I came to Orlando, in large part, to search for the experience of being fought for.

I began to see glimpses of God's fight for me over the first 18 months of my life here.  I had been going through individual counseling and then later joined a group at my church focused on recovering from life's "hurts, habits, and hang-ups."  These were are both integral to my discovery of who God was as my rescuer.  I had dug deep into my life and saw the foundation of this false belief and began to correct my misperceived views of God.  Things were really looking up and life had become not just tolerable but enjoyable.  Then in March of this year my life's story changed through a dramatic climax.

I had been living with two girls I had met through church friends.  At first, the living arrangements seemed ideal as the girls had been becoming great friends.  They seemed to love God and serving Him.  Slowly, however, our relationships began to unravel.  My roommates had become distant.  Their smiles and niceties had become less and less genuine.  When I approached them about it they agreed that their was issues but refused to work through them with me.  I expressed that I would begin making plans to move out but I couldn't get anything together fast enough for them, so they eventually asked me to leave and gave me a short deadline.  This just reopened old wounds from my past that I was finally beginning to heal.

As devastating as the situation was, God began to work quickly.  I had sought Him for guidance through the whole situation and stepped out well beyond my comfort zone in my attempt to reconcile with these girls.  I believe that God awarded my efforts in taking me from that house to a new life.  He provided a great place to live and a friend with whom to share it.  That's only the beginning.  He also provided a friend to walk with me through the move  but also throughout life.

Andrew, upon hearing of my urgent situation, offered to help move out of the old house and store my things in his place until I could move into my new place.  Being in desperate need, I accepted his generosity.  Throughout the month that my things were being stored in his place, he continued to go above and beyond to help me through the emotional scars that were forming.  He not only cared about my physical well-being but emotional and spiritual as well.  The more I got to know him through this process, the more I wanted to know him and spend time with him.  It appeared that Andrew felt similarly about me as he began to pursue me.  Walking me to my car at every opportunity and then standing there with me as we talked for hours.  Going with me back to my old house to pick stuff up that I might have some moral support.  Then it became cooking me dinner late at night when I came to pick up things from his house which I needed (or maybe I didn't really need them but looked forward to another chance to see him).

We quickly fell in love, though unspoken, as we grew closer and made deeper commitments to one-another we began to show each other in the daily ways we spoke to each other and honored each other.  I had been learning to stand up for myself and he stood by me as I ventured into this unchartered world of respecting myself.  He began calling me out on the times I wanted to back down.  Andrew started to stand up for me in ways that I didn't know how.  He encouraged me to follow God even if it meant being away from me for a month as I traveled to Slovakia on a mission to reach Slovak high school students.  Then, finally, all the concealed feelings of pursuing a Godly relationship gave way.

Andrew and I had spoken many times about the possibilities of a future together.  I had a sense that he would soon ask for my hand but had no clue when or how.  A couple of Sundays ago, we commenced in our weekly routine of meeting up at church after I got out of work for the evening service.  We then attended a worship/prayer gathering with some of the other leaders of the youth ministry we volunteered with together at the church.  All seemed fairly usual--even Andrew being a little out of it.  Afterwards he walked me to my car as we chatted with another couple.  I recall reminiscing about all the times we had stood by my car in that parking lot talking just as we were with that couple on that night.

After the couple left, I asked Andrew what he wanted to do.  After waffling in his answer for a few minutes, he finally said, "Do you want to go to the beach?"  This question took me aback a bit as it was already 9:30pm and the beach was a good hour away.  Not to mention, I hadn't been home since work.  However, late night trips to the beach had occurred a couple times before and we had really enjoyed the beauty and intimacy of those nights.  So, we planned to meet up at my place in a short time to make our trip.

We arrived at the beach sometime after 11pm.  As we sat by the water, watching the ocean creep up the shore and listening to the musical tones of water on sand, we talked about our day.  Then, Andrew turned and said to me, "Bethany, the reason I brought you down here is because I love you and I want to marry you.  Do you want to marry me?"

As soon as he said "I love you" my breath seemed to go out of me and was barely able to whisper, "I do...and I love you, too."  I had almost forgotten to say "I love you" after biting my tongue with those words for so long.  I was so speechless at that moment and could barely even get those few words out, so as he put his arm around me (not a habit we've gotten into as we are reserving physical affection for marriage), I sat there and just soaked in the moment.

Andrew and I at Summit Church's beach baptism--a year after my own beach baptism and our first time walking together under the stars at the beach.

In the days to follow, it's become more and more a reality that I'm marrying the man of my dreams.  Two years ago, I had arrived in Orlando broken and helpless; feeling like I was alone in the world and forgotten.  I was weak.  I couldn't stand up for myself and I just went with whatever the day brought me.  I gave into whatever I was told by those around me.  As time went on, God showed me more and more in small ways that He was there to fight for me.  He showed me that I was His daughter, a princess, and that He would always protect me.  I was finally beginning to grasp that when the situation came about with my roommates and I began to think, "Again, God?  Really?" when Andrew arrived on his white stallion (okay, it was an old bruised Honda Civic, but who's keeping track) to rescue me from what seemed to be a high tower.  He's continued to show me that he is there for me and not only fights for me but also encourages me to stand strong in my personal battles.  He walks alongside me in the battlefield.

I had often been concerned early on in my relationship with Andrew that I would start to depend on him to fight for me more than God.  As our relationship has developed--and now we're getting married!--I have realized that God gave me Andrew as an example of how He fights for me.  Ephesians 5:21-33 has confirmed this for me in seeing how marriage--the relationship between a man and his wife--is an example of Christ--the relationship between Jesus and His people.

I now know with all my heart that God fights for me.