A Journey Overseas

Week Two:

Open Mind, Open Heart

I realized that I couldn't sum up a three week trip overseas in one blog post, so I hope you enjoy this three part series!

Traditional musicians at the opening night ceremony for the summit conference.

To set the scene, Andrew and I communicated but very minimally because of busy schedules and the time difference.  He had been very sick before I left with some sort of bug and wrote to me saying he’d had a relapse.  Having taken care of him in that state for a whole week, it was really hard to know that I couldn’t be there to help.  

On top of that, the conference my group was attending was harder for me to connect with practically speaking.  It was a larger summit conference with other organizations working to network and collaborate on finding solutions to some of the world’s humanitarian problems.  Since I’m more on the administrative side of my organization, working on a periphery level and not necessarily part of the inner-workings of our mission, I was there as an observer.  Already weary from sitting in meetings, feeling a bit out of place at this conference and my husband being home sick, things started to feel like that dream where you are running and not getting anywhere.

I’m sure that God always has a purpose for everybody in everything that they do; especially when they are obedient to Him.  Obedience for me was being on this trip.  So, even though I didn’t feel connected to my organizations purpose at this conference, God used the time to work on my heart.  

Something that Andrew and I have talked about since we met was our desire to adopt children someday.  We’ve been able to engage in some conversations with people through our church about different options and our ideas about adoption haven’t always met in the same place.  I always thought of bringing home a brown baby from a run-down orphanage somewhere in another country.  Andrew’s mind had become open to possibly adopting an older child out of the U.S. Foster care system; this scared me to death!  

It just so happened that one of the topics discussed at this conference was the problem of orphans around the world.  I would have loved to be a part of those seminar meetings as the presentations from up front broke me.  Because of my job, I instead attended meetings about poverty.  However, from the main program presentations and talking to those with “Orphans” on their name tags, God began to work in my heart and open my mind about the reality of adoption and what His plan might be for Andrew and I.  I was able to set aside some fears and sacrifice my need for control.  

In a conversation with one woman from the orphan group, I realized that the American mentality toward adoption is a lot like shopping for a car; they want to choose the make, model, year, color, and even characteristics of their child.  I know that this isn’t how God created children.  When a child is conceived within a woman, no one has that choice apart from the man-made science of genetic engineering (I disagree with this type of science but will not get into it now).  I realized that if I were pregnant, I wouldn’t even care if the child was born with some sort of awful birth defect or disability.  I would love that child like crazy because he or she was mine; a gift from God.  So, why shouldn’t I let God decide what orphan child needs my husband and I as his or her parents?

I’m fairly certain that is not why my boss brought me to that particular conference but after it was over, I was there.

After sitting in meetings for two weeks, I had the opportunity to visit my step-cousin, who lives in Ubud, Bali.  This is me with his daughter, Melati.

A Journey Overseas

Week One: 

The Dubious Steps of a Doubting Traveler

I realized that I couldn't sum up a three week trip overseas in one blog post, so I hope you enjoy this three part series!

Spices at a traditional Indonesian market in Denpasar, Bali

I didn’t want to go.  After all, I’d only been married for ten months, so leaving my husband for three weeks seemed ridiculous.  I’d just started this new job and two months later I was getting on a plane to Indonesia. Normally I couldn’t pass up an opportunity to travel and see the world but this time, I wasn’t so sure. 

The day I began my job, my new boss told me that there was no pressure but it would be a great opportunity for me to meet the field staff and experience some of the work we were doing in villages in Indonesia.  When I told Andrew about it that night, I’d pretty much already made the decision not to go.  To my surprise he said, “That sounds like a great opportunity, you should go!”  Darn.  If it was remotely possible for Andrew to come with me, I might have felt differently but I had little choice but to leave him for three weeks.

The weeks and days leading up to the trip seemed full of obstacles.  I had many worries and fears about going on this trip and so for every obstacle I thought, “Well, that’s it.  I shouldn’t go.  I can’t go,” and yet God found a way to obliterate the barrier leaving the door wide open.

Just one example was needing to raise a few hundred dollars for the field experience portion of the trip.  The deal was that the organization would cover my plan ticket and the staff conference costs but that I would need to raise the funds for the field experience the last week (airfare to a different island, hotel, and food).  I had only four weeks to raise these funds, so I sent out a letter to a small handful of people whom I thought would be supportive of such a venture.  A small amount of money came in from some of those friends.  The clock was ticking and I thought, “Well, there you go.  I’m not supposed to go.”

Then, out of nowhere, I received an e-mail from someone whom I hadn’t approached but heard through the grapevine what I was doing and offered to fund the remainder of the balance (over 80% of the cost)!  I had money come from another person following that gift whom had only heard about the trip but whom I hadn’t challenged to contribute.  In the final week which the money was due, I went from having less than 20% of my needs met to having over 130% of the funds needed.  Ok, I get it.  I’m supposed to go.

There were many times throughout the weeks leading up to the trip where I had the same pattern of thought, whether it was the money, expediting my passport (it just happened to expire in August, not to mention having my name change adding to the complication), packing while my husband was very ill, etc.  Each time, the problem was not only solved, but eradicated so completely that I could only point to God being at work.

Then, I boarded the plane and after a long journey (Indonesia is really far away!  Thirteen hours ahead of the Eastern Standard Time Zone...), I arrived in Bali. 

In that first week, aside from jet lag and having to sit in meetings all day, I finally had succumbed to that fact that I was here and there was purpose in my being there.  As I heard reports of what people were doing to help improve lives of the poor, hidden, and hurting people of the world, I could only be encouraged and grateful for having a broader perspective and understanding of the importance of my job.  I was even able to share a little about my job and how the field workers can best communicate their stories.  I was able to get to know people of all different backgrounds, from all over the world--Kenya, Ethiopia, Afghanistan, Lebanon, Jordan, India, Czech Republic, Switzerland, etc.  I also got to explore with my new friends and have some adventures.

Even though my ties to home were much stronger on this trip than back when I was single, by the end of the week, I was grateful to be there and succumbed to the sacrifice of being away and allowed myself to enjoy the journey.

I love trying new things...like this spiny looking fruit!

Meeting Michel, from Lebanon was inspiring.  He gave up working in his hair salon to do something bigger with his life.  Now, not only does he bring aid to Syrian refugees in his country, but he gives haircuts to orphans.

Meeting people from all over the world is so fun!  Here, Sushil, (center, in the blue shirt) is teaching us an Indian song and dance.

Escape

It seems that the more opportunities I have to travel over seas, the more frequently I have the longing to go.  Recently my husband and I were watching a television show set in England and remarked how great it would be to go there.  This urge has come to me more and more lately.  It might be a movie, a post on Facebook from a friend living in another country, or a support letter from a missionary but I'm frequently reminded that there is a bigger world out there than my little world that I live daily.  Maybe it's the stress of the chaos I've been living that inspired me to write this poem.

Visiting a castle in Slovakia, Summer 2011

Fly me away

To the great mounts of the Eastern Old

To the lush green Kingdom holds

Dash me from this familiar land

With my love who’s won my hand

Fly me away

To the unknown language, a rousing thrill

To the barefooted native hill

Dash me from dutiful fate

With my beloved whose heart did wait

Fly me away

To the Old Country’s ancient towers

To the narrow cobblestones to walk for hours

Dash me from this oft tread ground

With my dearest forever bound

Gratitude

Lately I've been walking through a spiritual dessert.  My life has been so haphazard for many reasons and it's thrown me a bit off kilter.  I'm yet again looking for the horizon.  However, amidst my frustrations, God has shown me very clearly that He's with me and that He knows all about my needs.  If I could only use one word to describe the last few weeks, it would be, "Grateful."

Andrew and I recently moved.  It was a bit of a crazy time.  The week before, we were planning for a weekend retreat with the middle school guys and girls we minister to through our church.  It's an awesome ministry and we are very invested.  However, we were going into the weekend knowing that we had 10 days to move out of our place as new tenants were moving in, and we had no idea where we'd be moving.  Well, of course, God provided.

Me (far left) with my co-leader, Jenny, and our 7th grade girls at camp

We looked at a place the Monday following the church retreat and it was so awful that I thought, "I will cry daily if I have to live here!"  Now, I knew that if God led us to move there, I would be obedient but I knew I would hate every minute of it.  It was the size of a shoe box, stepping into the house we were in the middle of the living room, three steps to the right and we were in the kitchen the size of a tissue box, two steps back and we were in the bathroom the size of a tin can, and three steps to the left and we were in the bedroom which might have fit our double bed which we'd have to jump onto from the doorway.  There were two small windows in the whole house about face-level which had bars on them.  I think that God showed us that place so that I would be more open and excited for the place we looked at on Tuesday.

I'd always been leery of living in a mobile home.  Where I'm from, it was not so kindly called, "trailer trash."  Basically, a person either lived in a trailer or on the street.  Andrew, however, had lived in one and said it was not that bad...and he would never bring me to a place that was "that bad."  So, we looked at the home on Tuesday where we filled out the application.  It wasn't "that bad."  Actually, it seemed spacious with lots of windows We received a call on Wednesday saying we were approved to live there, and we signed the lease on Thursday.  Grateful.

With the stress of finding a place to live, we hadn't packed a single box.  We figured we would do what we could over the weekend and finish up moving and cleaning the old place early the next week.  So, we got to work right away.  By Friday, we had a small dent in the packing when my Mother-in-Law and siblings came over to help.  Then my Father-in-Law showed up with his truck and we amazingly got a whole load moved over to the house before Andrew got out of work!  Grateful.

The next day, we continued packing.  Andrew's family once again came over, along with our good friend, Wes.  With two trucks, a minivan, and my PT Cruiser, we were able to get everything to the new house in about two trips.  We realized early in the day that this process was going a lot faster than we had planned.  Without electricity and water, we realized we needed to get to the utility office before they closed at 1pm.

The Wretched Wrench

So, immediately following the first load, we planned on heading over the the utility office while the rest of the crew unloaded.  However, on the way to the house we heard a little noise and the check tire light came on...then pulling into the neighborhood, we heard the ever familiar, "thump, thump, thump."  Pulling up to the house, we saw the look on Andrew's dad's face we knew it was worse than we thought.  The left rear tire was completely imbedded with a small wrench.  Great.

We took the minivan to the utility office.  Electricity, check.  Water...not for three days!  We got home to the spare tire being put onto the car.  Grateful.

Somewhere amidst getting the second load packed up, Andrew's dad had our tire replaced.  Grateful.

The condo we were living in was privately owned by a man and his wife who were believers and fantastic landlords.  It was partially furnished and included a lot of amenities.  In communicating to them our plans to move, they offered for us to keep the couch (which our cat had adopted as her scratching post) and the coffee table.  Our roommate had also given us one of her two T.V.'s and a TV stand that she wasn't going to be able to use in her new place.  Grateful.

Another thing we didn't have for the new place was a dining room table.  I told Andrew's mom that I thought we would go to goodwill and see if we could find a small card table.  After all, it's just the two of us.  A few hours after we were left to our own devices, we had run out to get some subway for dinner.  Moments after we returned the in-laws showed up with a gorgeous wooden table with two chairs!  Grateful.

Table for Two

Now, here we are in our new house and I'm working really hard to get unpacked.  I'm of that mindset where if my surroundings are in disarray, I have a hard time relaxing.  I need a place of tranquility in order to be at peace in my mind.  In speaking with a lot of other women, I'm not alone.  Andrew, on the other hand, can decide he needs a day of rest where he can just lie on the couch, read, watch movies, and relax and he'll do it even if there's a load of clean laundry on the couch that has yet to be folded and dishes in the sink.  We are complete opposites in that area.  The chaos of our house drives me nuts and I'll work my heart out until it gets put away.  Andrew isn't going to worry about it, figuring it will get done eventually.

My friend, Jenny, is a professional organizer ("like" her facebook page, Creative Organizing Solutions!).  Understanding my disdain for the mess, offered to come over to help.  Just to be friendly.  We unpacked out entire house in less than 8 hours!  Grateful.

In all the bustle of trying to get settled in, I realize that we don't have a vacuum and the carpet badly needed it.  So, I asked Andrew's mom if we could borrow hers for a day, thinking I'd find a used one on craigslist soon.  So, when we met up so that I could get the vacuum, out came a box instead.  With a brand new vacuum in it.  I don't think I was ever more excited to vacuum in my life.  Grateful.

Just when we didn't think we could be even more blessed, Andrew went researching lawnmowers, another thing we never had because we've never had a yard until now.  He asked a friend of his if he knew of anything.  His friend informed him that he was sending a guy to cut our lawn.  For a month.  Grateful.

So, now I sit here in our "new" home.  My dessert seems a little less deserted, my heart feels a lot more calm, and I'm back to the normal every day maintenance of my home, my marriage, and my life.  Am I swimming in a sea of fullness and satisfaction?  Let's just say that I can see the sun rising over the sandy horizon.

And I'm grateful.

The Art of Being Lazy

A couple of weeks ago I was in bed with some sort of unknown illness.  All I could do was lay there and feel helpless.  Though some may revel in the opportunity to just lay around and rest (my husband being of that kind), this is not the ideal situation for a doer as myself.  Andrew resorted to removing any distractions from the bedroom (anything that might tempt me out of bed to clean, sort, or organize) and strongly advising that I stay in bed except to get something to eat or drink.  The more effort I put forth, the  more I was set back from recovery, so I finally relented.  This did not fair well for my attitude, however.

The more I lay in bed and did nothing, feeling horrible, the more frustrated I became and the worse my attitude.  I became rather grouchy and, to be honest, kind of mean.  I found myself apologizing a lot.

Finally, as I began to feel better, I realized that though I spent a lot of time on Facebook, joining Pinterest and filling up bulletin boards, and sleeping, the one thing I didn't do was seek out my Creator, my Savior, my Healer, The Great Physician.  I wanted so badly to get well and yet Christ was not on my mind.  Once or twice I may have thought to go to Him but was easily distracted and the thought quickly vanished.

I went to the doctor and after a battery of questions, tests, and lab-work, the cause of my illness went undetected and I was given vague instructions.  The next day, feeling well enough to go to Church, I sat in the lobby afterward waiting for Andrew, who was serving for an event following the service, and came down on my knees in repentance.  I realized that my lack of Christ as my hope in my illness had some ugly repercussions--my attitude, my relationship with my husband, and my ability to get well.  Two days later, still improving, I wrote this in my journal:

"Lord, not two days ago did I fall at your feet and repent for not seeking You when I was ill and yet I am just now coming back to You!  I am so very tired as I'm still healing and yet have been keeping myself so busy.  I look back at my time in bed and am thinking of how many chores I need to do to make up for the lost time rather than reveling in the chance to just rest.

As a result of all of this, I sit here feeling spent and am reminded, yet again, of Mary and Martha.  Mary is forever on her knees before the feet of Christ (Luke 10:39; John 11:32, 12:3) whether she was strong in faith or not.  I feel more like that which describes Martha in Luke 10:41, "Anxious and troubled about many things (NLT)" even when forced to rest; forced to let go of my many anxieties and troubles; I fail to look at Jesus' feet and remember that there's a better way--a road that will carry me rather than one which is a burden for me to carry.

God, as I face needing to go back to wok and dive into all the tasks which need to be done, I cry out to You to form in my heart and mind the vision of rest.  Andrew has been telling me that there is a difference between what needs to be done right now, what should be done but can wait, and what I need to just completely look away from and forget about--to not worry myself over at all. Help me to distinguish these, Father!  Help me to learn the beauty of Jesus' feet."

My hope in sharing this with you is that you would also be encouraged to reflect on Jesus' feet as Mary did; that you would let go of the many things which cause anxiety and trouble in your heart, mind, and spirit and seek the feet of Him who has already taken on those burdens for you on the path to righteousness.  Being free of anxiety and trouble over many things allows me to take my eyes off being free of my own burdens that I might help lighten those of others around me.

Waiting, and Waiting, and Waiting...

Part One

Typical Andrew and Bethany expressions...

I have been a married woman for officially six days.  I write this as we drive back from our honeymoon.  So far, married life has been one I’ve easily settled into.  I’m not sure I’ve come to fully absorb it’s reality, however, and won’t be too naive to suggest that I’ve got this whole marriage thing figured out.  In all honesty, I know that I don’t and trust it will be something both Andrew, my husband, and I will be figuring out for the rest of our lives.  One thing I am sure of is that this is something we’ve both been waiting for through most of our lives.  The weeks which dwindled quickly into the days leading up to our wedding day, I was enlightened to a number of things which I had been waiting for that seemed to suddenly come to fruition.  Most of them have to do practically with our wedding and marriage, and though others seem relatively unrelated, I think God worked it all into one big plan for me to see how big of a God I serve.

Soon after our engagement, Andrew and I were faced with the reality that we didn’t really have much money, if any, to spare for wedding expenses.  We’ve both been working really hard for minimal pay.  We’d both been, and still are, in the midst of career transitions and money was tight; even in our day to day living.  Extenuating circumstances with my parents meant that, unless we waiting an additional 4-6 months to be married, we would be on our own for our December 30th wedding.  We prayed individually, together, and with those we trusted and we discussed logistics for setting a date throughout the first month of our four month engagement.  December 30th was the day to which we were fairly certain God was leading.  We set that date with great faith, not knowing how we were going to pay for our wedding.  Knowing we had enough money for a marriage license, we talked many times about running to the courthouse--which I learned from many married couples is a common discussion amongst engaged couples.

We stepped out in faith and our Father met us there...wherever “there” was for any given situation or need.  God’s provision for our wedding reminded me of the wedding at Cana as told in John 2:1-12; ironically and unknowingly chosen by my parents for the theme verse for the wedding cake which they designed for us.  It seemed there were times that we pleaded for His provision, waited, then pleaded again.  He met us in every possible way for our needs (not necessarily all of our wants, but many of our wants and all of our needs). Many times this happened at the last minute and in a way which we least expected, just as the master of the wedding feast at Cana wasn’t expecting the lack of wine to be remedied by a miracle performed by the Son of God and Savior of the World.

While we didn’t have wine at our wedding, there were many things we had that we can only attribute to God working through other’s for us and for His glory.  For an abbreviated list, consider this:

• The church gave us a discount, moreover having the reception there, the cost of our wedding location was very minimal.  Still, it was several hundred dollars which we didn’t have.  Through some very generous gifts, however, the cost was covered, still having money left over for our marriage license and for Andrew (an auto-mechanic who enjoys roughhousing with his middle school boys small group; enough said) to get very badly needed glasses.  
• Guests, and especially the bridal party, were generous in their contributions for our potluck reception.  
• The ceremony music was arranged and performed live at no cost by members of our wedding party.  
• The photography, lights, sound, set up, tear-down, and even on site coordination of the entire day was done voluntarily by dear friends from the church and middle school students from the church’s youth ministry.  
• The minister, the pastor of the middle school ministry where Andrew and I met as volunteer leaders, officiated free of charge (he became licensed through the church to officiate weddings because we asked him to officiate ours).  

Most importantly, the name of Jesus and the Truth of the Gospel were clearly proclaimed by word and deed.  It was really a picture of people coming together as in the first church did as depicted in Acts 2:42-47.  There were so many small things which came together that would make this blog entry far too lengthy, if it isn’t already.

A few days before the wedding day itself, the inevitable question, “Where will you take your honeymoon?” began to arise consistently.  The answer to this question was difficult.  We knew what we had hoped to do but we had faced the reality that we may be spending our wedding night in the small condo which we were sharing with our friend, Sarah--furthest thing from ideal!  While we would have made it work and made it wonderful, it was definitely not our ideal picture.

Just a few of those that helped make
our dream wedding become a reality

The day before our wedding, we received a highly unexpected gift.  A very good friend of Andrew’s (one of the groomsmen) and his wife set us up with a beautiful hotel room in downtown Orlando on the night of our wedding, along with four nights on the beach on Jekyll Island, Georgia.  A final night was a gift from Andrew’s parents, using travel points, at a Hampton on the island.  Our dream of honeymooning on the ocean became a glorious reality.  I couldn’t have imagined of a better way to bring in 2012; with a husband on an island on the ocean.  Besides that, the gifts from our wedding guests totaled to several hundred dollars in cash, which allowed us to enjoy our time together without worrying about spending too much on meals.

Throughout our wedding planning, though I fell into times of great stress and anxiety over our finances and the costs of just about everything, I tried to rest my faith in Matthew 6.  The chapter became very real to me over this time.  The couple who gave us the honeymoon did so with tact and grace, portraying Jesus’ command in verses 1-4; “...when you give to the needy, do not let your left hand know what your right hand is doing, so that your giving may be in secret...”  

I’m not sure I’ve experienced such a blatant answer to prayer as I have through this experience of getting married on pennies.  I’ve seen Matthew 6:19-24 with so much more clarity in what God has done through mine and Andrew’s marriage.  So many times I felt as if money and jobs were dictating our identity and our lives.  How many times had I cried out to God to free me from that place and I’ve experienced significant freedom in the generosity of my fellow believers.  Just a couple weeks ago Andrew and I looked at our bank accounts and wondered how we’d get through the next week, wedding aside.  Now, as we look at joining our accounts, we can breath again.

Part Two

As I mentioned at the beginning of this post, it hasn’t just been the wedding that has shown me God’s enduring presence in my life.  Cherishing my self-image; that is my inner and outer beauty; has been a plea of mine to God for as long as I can remember.  This is another place in my life where God has done significant work over the past few months.

Without realizing it, my desire to leave my life of singleness has had a significant influence on my self-image.  For twenty-eight years I prayed that God would bring me my “Prince Charming,” my rescuer, my “soul-mate.”  The question, “Am I worthy?”  has constantly been a doubt in my mind.  For many years I was okay discovering my independence, pouring over Paul’s words in 1 Corinthians 7:25-40.  “Can I do it on my own?  Can I find fulfillment in God alone?”  In theory, I can do it on my own and have found fulfillment in God alone as much as a broken individual can hope for but I long felt the calling for marriage.  Getting into my late twenties, one might say that fear of being single forever began to tap me on the shoulder.

Well, “prince,” would be a great way to describe Andrew, and he’s definitely been a model of a “rescuer” in my life.  However, he’s not “The Prince,” or “The Rescuer.”  I’ve come to understand that only Jesus Christ can fulfill those roles.  I’ve come to rescind the western societal view of “soul-mate,” either.  However, in a right Biblical role of a man and woman in love (see Ephesians 5:22-33), Andrew is my Prince and my Rescuer; he’s an example for me of how Christ love’s the Church.  Being married to him has brought this image into a whole new light and understanding for me.  That will be a topic for discussion in another post--maybe after I’ve been married longer than a few days!  What I’d like to emphasize, here, now, is that being with Andrew, and now being married to Andrew, has been a big part in my journey toward recognizing my self-worth; the worth with which God created me and furthermore, the worth of my whole life’s meaning.  This is not just to be a wife and a help-mate but an heiress in the Kingdom of God (Romans 8:12-17), a princess (without the lace and gold); not just the bride of a man but the bride of my Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ.

As for the outward side of my self-image, it’s still a bit of a struggle and a mystery to me.  Andrew calls me “pretty” daily and often adds in “beautiful,” and “gorgeous.”  Since I was very young (I’m not certain, but possibly as young as seven years old) I have had an aversion to my skin.  It began with my arms.  I noticed little bumps on my elbows and  knees but what really bothered me was that they were also on the backs of my upper arms.  I hated them and began to pick at them.  Then, when I became older and began puberty, I began to pick at the acne on my face, my neck, and my back.  I’ll save you the psychological map I’ve partially unearthed concerning this issue.  The important aspect of this problem is that these bumps; these imperfections; made me feel ugly.  I mean really ugly.  The problem is that I pick them away and they just come back.  And they come back worse.  Furthermore, the more I pick, the more I want to pick and the greater chance I develop long-term repercussions called scars.  

My struggle with my outward beauty is more than skin deep and has become a vicious cycle.  Once Andrew proposed marriage to me, I became more comfortable disclosing such information with him.  I had decided several times over the past couple years that I wanted to stop picking my skin but proved a failure.  I would come back with more vengeance than before.  With my permission, Andrew offered to hold me accountable--asking me daily, at first, how I was doing with not picking.  He began to be more intentional about telling me how pretty I am and began researching adult acne for me (maybe it’s having been home-schooled but Andrew proves to be a whiz at internet research).  I was very adamant about natural skin care and Andrew found a treatment using fresh lemons that, after a few trials and refinements, works beautifully.  I also began to research and have refined a facial mask using just honey and baking soda.  These combinations draw out the impurities, open up my pores, heal blemishes and diminish the left over red spots.   

Having someone who loves me ask me consistently how I’m doing with my resolution and showing true concern when I don’t follow through, has been a significant blessing from God.  In addition to being held accountable to not pick, I’ve had a companion to help me find a natural way that really works to get rid of acne I’ve had for fourteen years.  It could have been someone else that helped me through this but I’m glad it was my husband.  It drew us together with an intimacy appropriate for that stage in our relationship which now affects us as we draw even closer as man and wife.  For, if a wife is insecure about her self-image; physically or inwardly; then she cannot be fully secure in her relationship with her husband.

I have waited for so long and for much of that waiting, so impatiently.  Patience, or long-suffering, is not something I’ve been very gifted in.  My mother often jokes about the fact that since it only took one hour of labor for me to be born, she hasn’t been surprised that I’m not more patient about other things in life.  In all of this waiting--for a husband, for clear skin, for a breakthrough in my skin picking addiction, and for financial provision for my life and marriage--I’ve been blown away by how God has come through on every little detail.  The desert seemed so vast and so dry and so unbearable while I was in the waiting period for all of these things and now I’m swimming in a sea of God’s grace and mercy.  He’s given me groves of nourishment, fields of blessings, and showers of love.

Really funny, God. Are you serious?

It appears that God is always serious when it comes to calling His children to serve Him within their giftedness, however, I've been staring in disbelief as I've discovered what God has called me to this time around.  Actually, it isn't so different from the vision He's given me from the beginning.

God and I had a conversation a while back that sounded a lot like this:

God:  Bethany, you are going to serve me in full-time youth ministry.

Me: Uhhh...no, I'm not. (Goes about her business)

God:  Bethany, you are going to serve me in full-time youth ministry.

Me:  Um, yeah, no.  You are kidding!  I'm not going into full-time ministry.

God:  No, really, Bethany.  I'm serious.  I need you to serve me in full-time youth ministry.

Me: I am?

God: Yes.  You are.

Me: Oh.

God: (patiently waiting)

Me:  God, I think I need to serve you in full-time youth ministry.

God:  Yes.  You are.

Me:  I'm going to serve God in full-time youth ministry!!!

That conversation, had in January of 2005, launched me on a crazy journey.  I began talking to people and getting involved in youth events--mainly Student Venture conferences (Campus Crusade for Christ's high school outreach) where I fell in love with what God was doing in the lives of teenagers and later that year, began a 1 1/2 year internship.  In July of 2007 I joined staff full-time where I really connected deeply with high school girls.  I saw kids come to know Jesus in a very personal way and walked through some really difficult issues with them.  I saw a lot of hurt in America's sweet sixteens.

Then my own hurt attacked me from a sidewind.  In the beginning of 2009, my "best friend" from college, in an abusive co-dependent relationship, began to really get into deep depression and reliance on me and her boyfriend.  Me, having my own dependency issues, tried to be her savior.  I was, of course, in ministry, wasn't I?  I had all the answers, didn't I?  I could rescue her, couldn't I, just like I could rescue all of the girls I was working with, right?

Well, it just so happens that the situation didn't turn out that way.  I lost my friendship with this great friend while on vacation with her at Disney World.  It was messy, dirty, and distorted beyond repair.  I was devastated.  Was I rescuing her as a way to rescue myself?  Working with the high school girls became exhausting as I walked through this tragedy in my life and my health went into a downward spiral.

That summer I found myself in Fort Collins, Colorado, taking Bible classes with fellow Student Venture staff.  It had turned into a refuge of being surrounded by like-minded believers--a time for healing and discovering myself.  The pain was worse than any physical pain I had experienced and it only seemed to get worse as I dug deep to find out what weapon had penetrated me so deeply.  By the end of the summer I found myself on anti-depressants and anti-anxiety medication.  I would cry for hours thinking about going back to my high school girls as I could barely even take care of myself.

My emotional state was taken very seriously by the leaders of the ministry.  After much discussion, and much resistance from me, we decided that it would be best if I moved to Orlando, Florida, to work behind a computer at the national headquarters rather than face to face with the teenagers.  I reluctantly moved...

And then I joyfully stayed.  God opened up, not only the root of my pain that I might heal, but also a view into gifts He had given me which I had been ignoring.  I realized that, yes, I still have a passion for teenagers and women but also a passion and talent for writing, among many other things.

As I prayed about how I could combine my two passions, my financial support for my ministry began to struggle.  I worked fervently off and on for a year to build a team of financial support that would sustain the ministry God had given me.  When instead of growing, my team kept shrinking, I began to look into other options.  What God led me to do was not something I ever expected but seemed only right--leave the ministry.

As of August first, for the first time since January of 2006, I was not getting a paycheck from Student Venture.  I was living ministry partner free.  It's been an odd feeling...until now.

Enter the love of my life, Andrew Marinelli.  We are getting married on December 30th.  Both of us have been praying about God's leading for our life and work since we first became serious 5 1/2 months ago.  About 2 1/2 months ago, Andrew mentioned that there was a job he was interested in with a ministry called New Tribes Mission working as a mechanic.  He mentioned that he'd have to raise financial support.  I laughed inside.  "Uh-uh.  No way." I thought to myself.  Out loud it sounded more like, "well, it's something to look into but I don't know how I feel about the support raising thing. I'm so weary of that life right now."

As it time went on and job searches kept going forth, NTM kept coming up.  As it turned out, Andrew heard of a writing job for me in the same ministry.  "No way," I thought.  "I'm not raising support again."  I looked into it just to honor Andrew, figuring that I could say I looked and that I wasn't interested.  The only problem was that I really was interested!  I started to laugh at God and having the same conversation as before.  "No way.  You're kidding, God, I'm not rebuilding a financial ministry team again," to which God's reply was the same as before, "Yes, Bethany, you are."

Unlike any other time when I've seen something I liked (like the moment I first saw Andrew for who he is), I couldn't accept it right way.  It took a lot of prayer and research and questions asked before I could really commit.  God brought me through this journey, brought me out of ministry so that I could write, and then brought me right back into ministry...so that I can write.

My life over the last few years has been a lot of tears and pain, a lot of healing and rejoicing, and a lot of very uncomfortable changes.  All of this so that I could be right where God wanted me so that I could follow the dreams that I always thought I could never live out.

God may have a sense of humor but He also knows the plans for our lives.

Proverbs 3:5-8 

Trust in the LORD with all your heart,   and do not lean on your own understanding.In all your ways acknowledge him,   and he will make straight your paths.Be not wise in your own eyes;   fear the LORD, and turn away from evil.It will be healing to your flesh   and refreshment to your bones.

Jeremiah 29:11-14 

For I know the plans I have for you, declares the LORD, plans for welfare and not for evil, to give you a future and a hope. Then you will call upon me and come and pray to me, and I will hear you.  You will seek me and find me, when you seek me with all your heart. I will be found by you, declares the LORD, and I will restore your fortunes and gather you from all the nations and all the places where I have driven you, declares the LORD, and I will bring you back to the place from which I sent you into exile.

When God Shows His Face

Over the course of our relationship, Andrew has been seeking God's will for his job and praying for provision.  One of the things that drew me to Andrew is watching him follow Christ in this process.  As he saw the Lord leading him to an auto-mechanics job for New Tribes Mission, a ministry that seeks to build churches amongst unreached people groups around the world, at their headquarters in Sanford, FL, he began to wrestle with some deep theological questions.  The way God met him with peace came by unlikely means.

One thing that I've learned about Andrew is that I must be patient.  This is especially important as I prepare to be his wife I anticipate a constant waiting.  Andrew is very thorough in decisions that he makes for his life.  Once he had told me that he liked me, it took a week for him to find peace about beginning a relationship with me.  I felt overwhelmingly valued as he sought to honor my heart in his leadership under Christ.  The same was true as he prayed about asking me to be his wife.  When the day came for his marriage proposal, I knew it was because God had given Andrew the complete peace that our marriage would be a union under Christ.

It didn't surprise me that when Andrew was given the opportunity for a job working on cars as a full-time ministry, that he wouldn't take this decision lightly.  He reviewed the organization--the mission, values, and vision for ministry--that he would be a part of something he felt entirely honored to represent.  Being so thorough in his decision making, Andrew is a very deep thinker and, in my opinion, very intelligent.  Therefore, some deep theological issues came up in his time praying about ministry which he began to wrestle with deeply.  It was difficult for me to watch him walk through a time of being so significantly without peace.  Andrew would get so exhausted from studying God's Word and seeking him for answers that, even though he was off from work for several days, he was just as exhausted as if he'd been working on cars for 12 hours each day.  There came a point when he was wrestling so deeply that something had to give.

Andrew had sought out men whom he respected from the church to discuss his struggle.  This was helpful but I finally suggested to him that he contact the man with whom he'd been in contact with at NTM.  God also kept putting a friend of mine from my time with Student Venture (Cru) on my heart as we discussed the issues he was having.  I contacted my friend who gladly agreed to meet with Andrew.  That all set up, Andrew was beginning to feel a bit better about what he was wrestling with.

The day before he was to confer with these two men concerning his questions, he was working at the shop.  It was another slow day--no work means little income--and therefore, frustration.  Then the man who collects the used oil from the shop arrived.

He had seen the Bible sitting in Andrew's car and asked about it.  Acknowledging it as his own, the man proceeded to tell Andrew about how God had transformed his own life.  Standing in the shop, the oil collector and the auto mechanic, the man asked if Andrew would like for him to sing the 23rd Psalm to him.  Finding this an odd request--wouldn't you?--Andrew said, "Oh, that's ok."  The man insisted.

As he sang, Andrew told me that something began to change in him.  Yes, the man had a good voice--good tone quality and control.  He sang well but it was more than just the music.  It was the peculiarity of the situation--the oil collector and the auto mechanic standing in the shop, one singing the 23rd Psalm to the other--that illuminated God's presence in the midst of it all.  As I understand it, there was something about the song--the revelation of God's word in the most unpredictable of places--that allowed the Holy Spirit to wash over Andrew with peace of his omnipresence and faithfulness.

Be Careful What You Pray For...

Shortly after being kicked out of the house where I had been renting a room from a girl I met at church, my journal writes:

12 March, 2011

...I've really been longing for a husband lately.  I'm tired of trying to find a place I can call home.  I know there are challenges to being married, too, but I just don't feel right navigating life on my own.  Lord, satisfy my heart!

Through this difficult time, I had asked certain people to pray for me to find a place to live and a roommate...or a husband, I would say half jokingly.  Within a few weeks, here is what my journal said:

1 April, 2011

Dear Lord,
I've moved into my new condo...with this move my eyes have opened to a potential husband.  I wasn't even thinking about Andrew in that way but after getting to know him as he's helped me move, I'm seeing his godly qualities. 

Fast forward to today, well, if you read my last post, you will know how the story ends.  Actually, it has yet to end.  This is all really just the beginning.  It just occurred to me a couple nights ago as I was discussing that old roommate situation with Andrew and his brother and sister when Andrew said, "well, now you have a permanent roommate" that I had actually prayed for either a roommate or (haha) a husband.  What do you know?  I got the husband!

So, even if you are only praying half seriously, know that God still hears you and you might just get what you asked for!