Escape

It seems that the more opportunities I have to travel over seas, the more frequently I have the longing to go.  Recently my husband and I were watching a television show set in England and remarked how great it would be to go there.  This urge has come to me more and more lately.  It might be a movie, a post on Facebook from a friend living in another country, or a support letter from a missionary but I'm frequently reminded that there is a bigger world out there than my little world that I live daily.  Maybe it's the stress of the chaos I've been living that inspired me to write this poem.

Visiting a castle in Slovakia, Summer 2011

Fly me away

To the great mounts of the Eastern Old

To the lush green Kingdom holds

Dash me from this familiar land

With my love who’s won my hand

Fly me away

To the unknown language, a rousing thrill

To the barefooted native hill

Dash me from dutiful fate

With my beloved whose heart did wait

Fly me away

To the Old Country’s ancient towers

To the narrow cobblestones to walk for hours

Dash me from this oft tread ground

With my dearest forever bound

Waiting, and Waiting, and Waiting...

Part One

Typical Andrew and Bethany expressions...

I have been a married woman for officially six days.  I write this as we drive back from our honeymoon.  So far, married life has been one I’ve easily settled into.  I’m not sure I’ve come to fully absorb it’s reality, however, and won’t be too naive to suggest that I’ve got this whole marriage thing figured out.  In all honesty, I know that I don’t and trust it will be something both Andrew, my husband, and I will be figuring out for the rest of our lives.  One thing I am sure of is that this is something we’ve both been waiting for through most of our lives.  The weeks which dwindled quickly into the days leading up to our wedding day, I was enlightened to a number of things which I had been waiting for that seemed to suddenly come to fruition.  Most of them have to do practically with our wedding and marriage, and though others seem relatively unrelated, I think God worked it all into one big plan for me to see how big of a God I serve.

Soon after our engagement, Andrew and I were faced with the reality that we didn’t really have much money, if any, to spare for wedding expenses.  We’ve both been working really hard for minimal pay.  We’d both been, and still are, in the midst of career transitions and money was tight; even in our day to day living.  Extenuating circumstances with my parents meant that, unless we waiting an additional 4-6 months to be married, we would be on our own for our December 30th wedding.  We prayed individually, together, and with those we trusted and we discussed logistics for setting a date throughout the first month of our four month engagement.  December 30th was the day to which we were fairly certain God was leading.  We set that date with great faith, not knowing how we were going to pay for our wedding.  Knowing we had enough money for a marriage license, we talked many times about running to the courthouse--which I learned from many married couples is a common discussion amongst engaged couples.

We stepped out in faith and our Father met us there...wherever “there” was for any given situation or need.  God’s provision for our wedding reminded me of the wedding at Cana as told in John 2:1-12; ironically and unknowingly chosen by my parents for the theme verse for the wedding cake which they designed for us.  It seemed there were times that we pleaded for His provision, waited, then pleaded again.  He met us in every possible way for our needs (not necessarily all of our wants, but many of our wants and all of our needs). Many times this happened at the last minute and in a way which we least expected, just as the master of the wedding feast at Cana wasn’t expecting the lack of wine to be remedied by a miracle performed by the Son of God and Savior of the World.

While we didn’t have wine at our wedding, there were many things we had that we can only attribute to God working through other’s for us and for His glory.  For an abbreviated list, consider this:

• The church gave us a discount, moreover having the reception there, the cost of our wedding location was very minimal.  Still, it was several hundred dollars which we didn’t have.  Through some very generous gifts, however, the cost was covered, still having money left over for our marriage license and for Andrew (an auto-mechanic who enjoys roughhousing with his middle school boys small group; enough said) to get very badly needed glasses.  
• Guests, and especially the bridal party, were generous in their contributions for our potluck reception.  
• The ceremony music was arranged and performed live at no cost by members of our wedding party.  
• The photography, lights, sound, set up, tear-down, and even on site coordination of the entire day was done voluntarily by dear friends from the church and middle school students from the church’s youth ministry.  
• The minister, the pastor of the middle school ministry where Andrew and I met as volunteer leaders, officiated free of charge (he became licensed through the church to officiate weddings because we asked him to officiate ours).  

Most importantly, the name of Jesus and the Truth of the Gospel were clearly proclaimed by word and deed.  It was really a picture of people coming together as in the first church did as depicted in Acts 2:42-47.  There were so many small things which came together that would make this blog entry far too lengthy, if it isn’t already.

A few days before the wedding day itself, the inevitable question, “Where will you take your honeymoon?” began to arise consistently.  The answer to this question was difficult.  We knew what we had hoped to do but we had faced the reality that we may be spending our wedding night in the small condo which we were sharing with our friend, Sarah--furthest thing from ideal!  While we would have made it work and made it wonderful, it was definitely not our ideal picture.

Just a few of those that helped make
our dream wedding become a reality

The day before our wedding, we received a highly unexpected gift.  A very good friend of Andrew’s (one of the groomsmen) and his wife set us up with a beautiful hotel room in downtown Orlando on the night of our wedding, along with four nights on the beach on Jekyll Island, Georgia.  A final night was a gift from Andrew’s parents, using travel points, at a Hampton on the island.  Our dream of honeymooning on the ocean became a glorious reality.  I couldn’t have imagined of a better way to bring in 2012; with a husband on an island on the ocean.  Besides that, the gifts from our wedding guests totaled to several hundred dollars in cash, which allowed us to enjoy our time together without worrying about spending too much on meals.

Throughout our wedding planning, though I fell into times of great stress and anxiety over our finances and the costs of just about everything, I tried to rest my faith in Matthew 6.  The chapter became very real to me over this time.  The couple who gave us the honeymoon did so with tact and grace, portraying Jesus’ command in verses 1-4; “...when you give to the needy, do not let your left hand know what your right hand is doing, so that your giving may be in secret...”  

I’m not sure I’ve experienced such a blatant answer to prayer as I have through this experience of getting married on pennies.  I’ve seen Matthew 6:19-24 with so much more clarity in what God has done through mine and Andrew’s marriage.  So many times I felt as if money and jobs were dictating our identity and our lives.  How many times had I cried out to God to free me from that place and I’ve experienced significant freedom in the generosity of my fellow believers.  Just a couple weeks ago Andrew and I looked at our bank accounts and wondered how we’d get through the next week, wedding aside.  Now, as we look at joining our accounts, we can breath again.

Part Two

As I mentioned at the beginning of this post, it hasn’t just been the wedding that has shown me God’s enduring presence in my life.  Cherishing my self-image; that is my inner and outer beauty; has been a plea of mine to God for as long as I can remember.  This is another place in my life where God has done significant work over the past few months.

Without realizing it, my desire to leave my life of singleness has had a significant influence on my self-image.  For twenty-eight years I prayed that God would bring me my “Prince Charming,” my rescuer, my “soul-mate.”  The question, “Am I worthy?”  has constantly been a doubt in my mind.  For many years I was okay discovering my independence, pouring over Paul’s words in 1 Corinthians 7:25-40.  “Can I do it on my own?  Can I find fulfillment in God alone?”  In theory, I can do it on my own and have found fulfillment in God alone as much as a broken individual can hope for but I long felt the calling for marriage.  Getting into my late twenties, one might say that fear of being single forever began to tap me on the shoulder.

Well, “prince,” would be a great way to describe Andrew, and he’s definitely been a model of a “rescuer” in my life.  However, he’s not “The Prince,” or “The Rescuer.”  I’ve come to understand that only Jesus Christ can fulfill those roles.  I’ve come to rescind the western societal view of “soul-mate,” either.  However, in a right Biblical role of a man and woman in love (see Ephesians 5:22-33), Andrew is my Prince and my Rescuer; he’s an example for me of how Christ love’s the Church.  Being married to him has brought this image into a whole new light and understanding for me.  That will be a topic for discussion in another post--maybe after I’ve been married longer than a few days!  What I’d like to emphasize, here, now, is that being with Andrew, and now being married to Andrew, has been a big part in my journey toward recognizing my self-worth; the worth with which God created me and furthermore, the worth of my whole life’s meaning.  This is not just to be a wife and a help-mate but an heiress in the Kingdom of God (Romans 8:12-17), a princess (without the lace and gold); not just the bride of a man but the bride of my Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ.

As for the outward side of my self-image, it’s still a bit of a struggle and a mystery to me.  Andrew calls me “pretty” daily and often adds in “beautiful,” and “gorgeous.”  Since I was very young (I’m not certain, but possibly as young as seven years old) I have had an aversion to my skin.  It began with my arms.  I noticed little bumps on my elbows and  knees but what really bothered me was that they were also on the backs of my upper arms.  I hated them and began to pick at them.  Then, when I became older and began puberty, I began to pick at the acne on my face, my neck, and my back.  I’ll save you the psychological map I’ve partially unearthed concerning this issue.  The important aspect of this problem is that these bumps; these imperfections; made me feel ugly.  I mean really ugly.  The problem is that I pick them away and they just come back.  And they come back worse.  Furthermore, the more I pick, the more I want to pick and the greater chance I develop long-term repercussions called scars.  

My struggle with my outward beauty is more than skin deep and has become a vicious cycle.  Once Andrew proposed marriage to me, I became more comfortable disclosing such information with him.  I had decided several times over the past couple years that I wanted to stop picking my skin but proved a failure.  I would come back with more vengeance than before.  With my permission, Andrew offered to hold me accountable--asking me daily, at first, how I was doing with not picking.  He began to be more intentional about telling me how pretty I am and began researching adult acne for me (maybe it’s having been home-schooled but Andrew proves to be a whiz at internet research).  I was very adamant about natural skin care and Andrew found a treatment using fresh lemons that, after a few trials and refinements, works beautifully.  I also began to research and have refined a facial mask using just honey and baking soda.  These combinations draw out the impurities, open up my pores, heal blemishes and diminish the left over red spots.   

Having someone who loves me ask me consistently how I’m doing with my resolution and showing true concern when I don’t follow through, has been a significant blessing from God.  In addition to being held accountable to not pick, I’ve had a companion to help me find a natural way that really works to get rid of acne I’ve had for fourteen years.  It could have been someone else that helped me through this but I’m glad it was my husband.  It drew us together with an intimacy appropriate for that stage in our relationship which now affects us as we draw even closer as man and wife.  For, if a wife is insecure about her self-image; physically or inwardly; then she cannot be fully secure in her relationship with her husband.

I have waited for so long and for much of that waiting, so impatiently.  Patience, or long-suffering, is not something I’ve been very gifted in.  My mother often jokes about the fact that since it only took one hour of labor for me to be born, she hasn’t been surprised that I’m not more patient about other things in life.  In all of this waiting--for a husband, for clear skin, for a breakthrough in my skin picking addiction, and for financial provision for my life and marriage--I’ve been blown away by how God has come through on every little detail.  The desert seemed so vast and so dry and so unbearable while I was in the waiting period for all of these things and now I’m swimming in a sea of God’s grace and mercy.  He’s given me groves of nourishment, fields of blessings, and showers of love.

Be Careful What You Pray For...

Shortly after being kicked out of the house where I had been renting a room from a girl I met at church, my journal writes:

12 March, 2011

...I've really been longing for a husband lately.  I'm tired of trying to find a place I can call home.  I know there are challenges to being married, too, but I just don't feel right navigating life on my own.  Lord, satisfy my heart!

Through this difficult time, I had asked certain people to pray for me to find a place to live and a roommate...or a husband, I would say half jokingly.  Within a few weeks, here is what my journal said:

1 April, 2011

Dear Lord,
I've moved into my new condo...with this move my eyes have opened to a potential husband.  I wasn't even thinking about Andrew in that way but after getting to know him as he's helped me move, I'm seeing his godly qualities. 

Fast forward to today, well, if you read my last post, you will know how the story ends.  Actually, it has yet to end.  This is all really just the beginning.  It just occurred to me a couple nights ago as I was discussing that old roommate situation with Andrew and his brother and sister when Andrew said, "well, now you have a permanent roommate" that I had actually prayed for either a roommate or (haha) a husband.  What do you know?  I got the husband!

So, even if you are only praying half seriously, know that God still hears you and you might just get what you asked for!

I Am Fought For!

On September 7th, 2009, I arrived in Orlando, Florida feeling bruised, beaten, and weary from the war of life.  I had sunk into a deep depression and the words, "I'm alone.  No one will fight for me," ran constantly through my mind.  Upon expressing this thought aloud, a hearer would often say, "God will fight for you--He already has!"  In my mind I knew this was true.  I had gone through the Bible and read stories about God fighting for his people--David and Goliath, Moses and the Red Sea, The Tower of Babel, and God's promise of Jesus' return--but I hadn't experienced it in my life.  I came to Orlando, in large part, to search for the experience of being fought for.

I began to see glimpses of God's fight for me over the first 18 months of my life here.  I had been going through individual counseling and then later joined a group at my church focused on recovering from life's "hurts, habits, and hang-ups."  These were are both integral to my discovery of who God was as my rescuer.  I had dug deep into my life and saw the foundation of this false belief and began to correct my misperceived views of God.  Things were really looking up and life had become not just tolerable but enjoyable.  Then in March of this year my life's story changed through a dramatic climax.

I had been living with two girls I had met through church friends.  At first, the living arrangements seemed ideal as the girls had been becoming great friends.  They seemed to love God and serving Him.  Slowly, however, our relationships began to unravel.  My roommates had become distant.  Their smiles and niceties had become less and less genuine.  When I approached them about it they agreed that their was issues but refused to work through them with me.  I expressed that I would begin making plans to move out but I couldn't get anything together fast enough for them, so they eventually asked me to leave and gave me a short deadline.  This just reopened old wounds from my past that I was finally beginning to heal.

As devastating as the situation was, God began to work quickly.  I had sought Him for guidance through the whole situation and stepped out well beyond my comfort zone in my attempt to reconcile with these girls.  I believe that God awarded my efforts in taking me from that house to a new life.  He provided a great place to live and a friend with whom to share it.  That's only the beginning.  He also provided a friend to walk with me through the move  but also throughout life.

Andrew, upon hearing of my urgent situation, offered to help move out of the old house and store my things in his place until I could move into my new place.  Being in desperate need, I accepted his generosity.  Throughout the month that my things were being stored in his place, he continued to go above and beyond to help me through the emotional scars that were forming.  He not only cared about my physical well-being but emotional and spiritual as well.  The more I got to know him through this process, the more I wanted to know him and spend time with him.  It appeared that Andrew felt similarly about me as he began to pursue me.  Walking me to my car at every opportunity and then standing there with me as we talked for hours.  Going with me back to my old house to pick stuff up that I might have some moral support.  Then it became cooking me dinner late at night when I came to pick up things from his house which I needed (or maybe I didn't really need them but looked forward to another chance to see him).

We quickly fell in love, though unspoken, as we grew closer and made deeper commitments to one-another we began to show each other in the daily ways we spoke to each other and honored each other.  I had been learning to stand up for myself and he stood by me as I ventured into this unchartered world of respecting myself.  He began calling me out on the times I wanted to back down.  Andrew started to stand up for me in ways that I didn't know how.  He encouraged me to follow God even if it meant being away from me for a month as I traveled to Slovakia on a mission to reach Slovak high school students.  Then, finally, all the concealed feelings of pursuing a Godly relationship gave way.

Andrew and I had spoken many times about the possibilities of a future together.  I had a sense that he would soon ask for my hand but had no clue when or how.  A couple of Sundays ago, we commenced in our weekly routine of meeting up at church after I got out of work for the evening service.  We then attended a worship/prayer gathering with some of the other leaders of the youth ministry we volunteered with together at the church.  All seemed fairly usual--even Andrew being a little out of it.  Afterwards he walked me to my car as we chatted with another couple.  I recall reminiscing about all the times we had stood by my car in that parking lot talking just as we were with that couple on that night.

After the couple left, I asked Andrew what he wanted to do.  After waffling in his answer for a few minutes, he finally said, "Do you want to go to the beach?"  This question took me aback a bit as it was already 9:30pm and the beach was a good hour away.  Not to mention, I hadn't been home since work.  However, late night trips to the beach had occurred a couple times before and we had really enjoyed the beauty and intimacy of those nights.  So, we planned to meet up at my place in a short time to make our trip.

We arrived at the beach sometime after 11pm.  As we sat by the water, watching the ocean creep up the shore and listening to the musical tones of water on sand, we talked about our day.  Then, Andrew turned and said to me, "Bethany, the reason I brought you down here is because I love you and I want to marry you.  Do you want to marry me?"

As soon as he said "I love you" my breath seemed to go out of me and was barely able to whisper, "I do...and I love you, too."  I had almost forgotten to say "I love you" after biting my tongue with those words for so long.  I was so speechless at that moment and could barely even get those few words out, so as he put his arm around me (not a habit we've gotten into as we are reserving physical affection for marriage), I sat there and just soaked in the moment.

Andrew and I at Summit Church's beach baptism--a year after my own beach baptism and our first time walking together under the stars at the beach.

In the days to follow, it's become more and more a reality that I'm marrying the man of my dreams.  Two years ago, I had arrived in Orlando broken and helpless; feeling like I was alone in the world and forgotten.  I was weak.  I couldn't stand up for myself and I just went with whatever the day brought me.  I gave into whatever I was told by those around me.  As time went on, God showed me more and more in small ways that He was there to fight for me.  He showed me that I was His daughter, a princess, and that He would always protect me.  I was finally beginning to grasp that when the situation came about with my roommates and I began to think, "Again, God?  Really?" when Andrew arrived on his white stallion (okay, it was an old bruised Honda Civic, but who's keeping track) to rescue me from what seemed to be a high tower.  He's continued to show me that he is there for me and not only fights for me but also encourages me to stand strong in my personal battles.  He walks alongside me in the battlefield.

I had often been concerned early on in my relationship with Andrew that I would start to depend on him to fight for me more than God.  As our relationship has developed--and now we're getting married!--I have realized that God gave me Andrew as an example of how He fights for me.  Ephesians 5:21-33 has confirmed this for me in seeing how marriage--the relationship between a man and his wife--is an example of Christ--the relationship between Jesus and His people.

I now know with all my heart that God fights for me.