Escape

It seems that the more opportunities I have to travel over seas, the more frequently I have the longing to go.  Recently my husband and I were watching a television show set in England and remarked how great it would be to go there.  This urge has come to me more and more lately.  It might be a movie, a post on Facebook from a friend living in another country, or a support letter from a missionary but I'm frequently reminded that there is a bigger world out there than my little world that I live daily.  Maybe it's the stress of the chaos I've been living that inspired me to write this poem.

Visiting a castle in Slovakia, Summer 2011

Fly me away

To the great mounts of the Eastern Old

To the lush green Kingdom holds

Dash me from this familiar land

With my love who’s won my hand

Fly me away

To the unknown language, a rousing thrill

To the barefooted native hill

Dash me from dutiful fate

With my beloved whose heart did wait

Fly me away

To the Old Country’s ancient towers

To the narrow cobblestones to walk for hours

Dash me from this oft tread ground

With my dearest forever bound

Really funny, God. Are you serious?

It appears that God is always serious when it comes to calling His children to serve Him within their giftedness, however, I've been staring in disbelief as I've discovered what God has called me to this time around.  Actually, it isn't so different from the vision He's given me from the beginning.

God and I had a conversation a while back that sounded a lot like this:

God:  Bethany, you are going to serve me in full-time youth ministry.

Me: Uhhh...no, I'm not. (Goes about her business)

God:  Bethany, you are going to serve me in full-time youth ministry.

Me:  Um, yeah, no.  You are kidding!  I'm not going into full-time ministry.

God:  No, really, Bethany.  I'm serious.  I need you to serve me in full-time youth ministry.

Me: I am?

God: Yes.  You are.

Me: Oh.

God: (patiently waiting)

Me:  God, I think I need to serve you in full-time youth ministry.

God:  Yes.  You are.

Me:  I'm going to serve God in full-time youth ministry!!!

That conversation, had in January of 2005, launched me on a crazy journey.  I began talking to people and getting involved in youth events--mainly Student Venture conferences (Campus Crusade for Christ's high school outreach) where I fell in love with what God was doing in the lives of teenagers and later that year, began a 1 1/2 year internship.  In July of 2007 I joined staff full-time where I really connected deeply with high school girls.  I saw kids come to know Jesus in a very personal way and walked through some really difficult issues with them.  I saw a lot of hurt in America's sweet sixteens.

Then my own hurt attacked me from a sidewind.  In the beginning of 2009, my "best friend" from college, in an abusive co-dependent relationship, began to really get into deep depression and reliance on me and her boyfriend.  Me, having my own dependency issues, tried to be her savior.  I was, of course, in ministry, wasn't I?  I had all the answers, didn't I?  I could rescue her, couldn't I, just like I could rescue all of the girls I was working with, right?

Well, it just so happens that the situation didn't turn out that way.  I lost my friendship with this great friend while on vacation with her at Disney World.  It was messy, dirty, and distorted beyond repair.  I was devastated.  Was I rescuing her as a way to rescue myself?  Working with the high school girls became exhausting as I walked through this tragedy in my life and my health went into a downward spiral.

That summer I found myself in Fort Collins, Colorado, taking Bible classes with fellow Student Venture staff.  It had turned into a refuge of being surrounded by like-minded believers--a time for healing and discovering myself.  The pain was worse than any physical pain I had experienced and it only seemed to get worse as I dug deep to find out what weapon had penetrated me so deeply.  By the end of the summer I found myself on anti-depressants and anti-anxiety medication.  I would cry for hours thinking about going back to my high school girls as I could barely even take care of myself.

My emotional state was taken very seriously by the leaders of the ministry.  After much discussion, and much resistance from me, we decided that it would be best if I moved to Orlando, Florida, to work behind a computer at the national headquarters rather than face to face with the teenagers.  I reluctantly moved...

And then I joyfully stayed.  God opened up, not only the root of my pain that I might heal, but also a view into gifts He had given me which I had been ignoring.  I realized that, yes, I still have a passion for teenagers and women but also a passion and talent for writing, among many other things.

As I prayed about how I could combine my two passions, my financial support for my ministry began to struggle.  I worked fervently off and on for a year to build a team of financial support that would sustain the ministry God had given me.  When instead of growing, my team kept shrinking, I began to look into other options.  What God led me to do was not something I ever expected but seemed only right--leave the ministry.

As of August first, for the first time since January of 2006, I was not getting a paycheck from Student Venture.  I was living ministry partner free.  It's been an odd feeling...until now.

Enter the love of my life, Andrew Marinelli.  We are getting married on December 30th.  Both of us have been praying about God's leading for our life and work since we first became serious 5 1/2 months ago.  About 2 1/2 months ago, Andrew mentioned that there was a job he was interested in with a ministry called New Tribes Mission working as a mechanic.  He mentioned that he'd have to raise financial support.  I laughed inside.  "Uh-uh.  No way." I thought to myself.  Out loud it sounded more like, "well, it's something to look into but I don't know how I feel about the support raising thing. I'm so weary of that life right now."

As it time went on and job searches kept going forth, NTM kept coming up.  As it turned out, Andrew heard of a writing job for me in the same ministry.  "No way," I thought.  "I'm not raising support again."  I looked into it just to honor Andrew, figuring that I could say I looked and that I wasn't interested.  The only problem was that I really was interested!  I started to laugh at God and having the same conversation as before.  "No way.  You're kidding, God, I'm not rebuilding a financial ministry team again," to which God's reply was the same as before, "Yes, Bethany, you are."

Unlike any other time when I've seen something I liked (like the moment I first saw Andrew for who he is), I couldn't accept it right way.  It took a lot of prayer and research and questions asked before I could really commit.  God brought me through this journey, brought me out of ministry so that I could write, and then brought me right back into ministry...so that I can write.

My life over the last few years has been a lot of tears and pain, a lot of healing and rejoicing, and a lot of very uncomfortable changes.  All of this so that I could be right where God wanted me so that I could follow the dreams that I always thought I could never live out.

God may have a sense of humor but He also knows the plans for our lives.

Proverbs 3:5-8 

Trust in the LORD with all your heart,   and do not lean on your own understanding.In all your ways acknowledge him,   and he will make straight your paths.Be not wise in your own eyes;   fear the LORD, and turn away from evil.It will be healing to your flesh   and refreshment to your bones.

Jeremiah 29:11-14 

For I know the plans I have for you, declares the LORD, plans for welfare and not for evil, to give you a future and a hope. Then you will call upon me and come and pray to me, and I will hear you.  You will seek me and find me, when you seek me with all your heart. I will be found by you, declares the LORD, and I will restore your fortunes and gather you from all the nations and all the places where I have driven you, declares the LORD, and I will bring you back to the place from which I sent you into exile.

When God Shows His Face

Over the course of our relationship, Andrew has been seeking God's will for his job and praying for provision.  One of the things that drew me to Andrew is watching him follow Christ in this process.  As he saw the Lord leading him to an auto-mechanics job for New Tribes Mission, a ministry that seeks to build churches amongst unreached people groups around the world, at their headquarters in Sanford, FL, he began to wrestle with some deep theological questions.  The way God met him with peace came by unlikely means.

One thing that I've learned about Andrew is that I must be patient.  This is especially important as I prepare to be his wife I anticipate a constant waiting.  Andrew is very thorough in decisions that he makes for his life.  Once he had told me that he liked me, it took a week for him to find peace about beginning a relationship with me.  I felt overwhelmingly valued as he sought to honor my heart in his leadership under Christ.  The same was true as he prayed about asking me to be his wife.  When the day came for his marriage proposal, I knew it was because God had given Andrew the complete peace that our marriage would be a union under Christ.

It didn't surprise me that when Andrew was given the opportunity for a job working on cars as a full-time ministry, that he wouldn't take this decision lightly.  He reviewed the organization--the mission, values, and vision for ministry--that he would be a part of something he felt entirely honored to represent.  Being so thorough in his decision making, Andrew is a very deep thinker and, in my opinion, very intelligent.  Therefore, some deep theological issues came up in his time praying about ministry which he began to wrestle with deeply.  It was difficult for me to watch him walk through a time of being so significantly without peace.  Andrew would get so exhausted from studying God's Word and seeking him for answers that, even though he was off from work for several days, he was just as exhausted as if he'd been working on cars for 12 hours each day.  There came a point when he was wrestling so deeply that something had to give.

Andrew had sought out men whom he respected from the church to discuss his struggle.  This was helpful but I finally suggested to him that he contact the man with whom he'd been in contact with at NTM.  God also kept putting a friend of mine from my time with Student Venture (Cru) on my heart as we discussed the issues he was having.  I contacted my friend who gladly agreed to meet with Andrew.  That all set up, Andrew was beginning to feel a bit better about what he was wrestling with.

The day before he was to confer with these two men concerning his questions, he was working at the shop.  It was another slow day--no work means little income--and therefore, frustration.  Then the man who collects the used oil from the shop arrived.

He had seen the Bible sitting in Andrew's car and asked about it.  Acknowledging it as his own, the man proceeded to tell Andrew about how God had transformed his own life.  Standing in the shop, the oil collector and the auto mechanic, the man asked if Andrew would like for him to sing the 23rd Psalm to him.  Finding this an odd request--wouldn't you?--Andrew said, "Oh, that's ok."  The man insisted.

As he sang, Andrew told me that something began to change in him.  Yes, the man had a good voice--good tone quality and control.  He sang well but it was more than just the music.  It was the peculiarity of the situation--the oil collector and the auto mechanic standing in the shop, one singing the 23rd Psalm to the other--that illuminated God's presence in the midst of it all.  As I understand it, there was something about the song--the revelation of God's word in the most unpredictable of places--that allowed the Holy Spirit to wash over Andrew with peace of his omnipresence and faithfulness.

The Joy of Tweens

One of my greatest joys in life right now is volunteering at Summit Church with Surge, the middle school ministry.  I have been walking with a group of ten 12 year old girls for over a year, now.  They are currently in the seventh grade and an absolute joy in my life.

When the school year started this past August, I made it a goal to meet with a different girl each week during this first semester.  It is most definitely a challenge having a schedule where I work mostly nights and weekends and the girls being in school during the week.  God is faithful and allowing me to keep my commitment with Him.  

The time I spend with these girls has proven to be meaningful as I get to know what they are walking through on a day to day basis.  I am privileged to be able to pour into their lives, encouraging them toward Christ.  Teenagers have a lot more challenges in this day and age with internet, cell phones, and parents who both have to work.  I have seen a lot of kids whose parents don't know how to parent and it breaks my heart.  As you've noticed, I mentioned teenagers and yet these girls have only just turned twelve.  What they walk through day to day is a lot more than what I remember having to deal with at their age.

Last week I met with a girl whom I've gotten to know quite well over the past year.  She's always a joy to be around--imaginative and bright.  This young lady is the definition of a Tween--sometimes acts like a teenager and yet still has many child-like characteristics.  She dresses rather stylishly and carries a large pleather bag over her shoulder of which she usually produces some sort of toy.  She's the oldest of three and home-schooled.  I find her parents to be the exception to the rule of an age where parents don't know how to parent.  They are doing a great job with their daughter.  

In fact, when asked one thing she would want to ask God she began talking about her relationship with her siblings.  As she talked about it I listened and then came up with her own answer to her problems.  I added here and there, mostly just agreeing with her that she's becoming more of a teenager and her younger siblings are having to adjust to that, still being children.  Then she added on to that fact with something her dad had share with the three of them--a reference to Romans 12:14-21.  Not only did this girl talk herself through her own problem but shared a Biblical truth with me that I needed to hear that day.

I found that I was ignorantly amazed that a 12 year old girl had encouraged me at a time when I thought was meant to encourage her.  Of course she did.  Tweens still have the innocent faith of a child but are of an age where they are privy to the more intellectual depths of spiritual truths.  How fortunate they are!  

I was definitely reminded of why I love working with middle school students.

Stepping Toward the Kingdom

Mama Lucy and the eight kittens.
Squeaks is the gray one in the center.

I've just tied up loose ends to my first post-college job.  It's been quite the adventure.  I've made friends with teenagers, peers, and people who have "adopted" me as a daughter.  I've seen the countryside of Hungary, Austria, Russia, and Slovakia.  I've toured Budapest, Vienna, Frankfurt, St. Petersburg, Kosice, and Brataslava.  I've seen high school students pray to receive Christ in English, Hunagarian, Russian, and Slovak on beaches, in restaurants, hotel meeting rooms, and snowbanks.  I've been through the best times and the worst times of my life with the people whom I worked with.

This "job" was far more than a job--it was an experience...a lifestyle.  Leaving has meant grieving.  Leaving has meant learning how to use my hands and feet in a new way--it has meant spreading my wings and depending on Jesus for the strength to fly.

My boyfriend and I came upon two litters of kittens a few months ago.  They were all about 2-3 weeks old at the time.  For a long time all eight of these kittens would sleep cuddled up in a big pile.  If they got separated from the pile they would cry and mama would comfort them, nurse them, then put them back into the kitten pile.  As they got older, they began to explore the world around them--straying further and further from mama.  They would often explore together in twos or threes.  Soon they were running around, jumping on things and each other, and didn't pay much notice to where mama was.  Now, they've all gone to homes.

I have one of the kittens--Squeaks.  She seems perfectly happy on her own.  She's grown accustomed to sleeping on her own and playing with herself.  However, she still loves it when I (or Charlie, my roommate's cat) will play with her.  I wake up in the morning and she likes to curl up in the blankets with me a purr.

It seems a bit cheesy but I relate to the journey these kittens have been on as they've grown up in a way.  My job was comfortable, for the most part.  I liked to be in the masses of like-minded believers.  I went on a lot of adventures with them by my side.  I walked through some really difficult times in my life and my co-worker-friends were right beside me the whole way.  It was the body of Christ cuddling up to me, just like the kitten pile.  However, I'm ready to get out of that comfortable place and explore things on my own.  I've come into a community of believers to continue to walk my faith journey alongside me but they aren't as built in as my work family has been.  I have to make more of an effort to find opportunities to share my faith, seek council from a friend, or engage in wholesome fun.

In my process of grieving the absence of my missionary career, I've found peace in the community of God's Kingdom away from my missionary "family."  I've stepped out in my journey Home--the comfort of Jesus' arms in heaven.