The Art of Being Lazy

A couple of weeks ago I was in bed with some sort of unknown illness.  All I could do was lay there and feel helpless.  Though some may revel in the opportunity to just lay around and rest (my husband being of that kind), this is not the ideal situation for a doer as myself.  Andrew resorted to removing any distractions from the bedroom (anything that might tempt me out of bed to clean, sort, or organize) and strongly advising that I stay in bed except to get something to eat or drink.  The more effort I put forth, the  more I was set back from recovery, so I finally relented.  This did not fair well for my attitude, however.

The more I lay in bed and did nothing, feeling horrible, the more frustrated I became and the worse my attitude.  I became rather grouchy and, to be honest, kind of mean.  I found myself apologizing a lot.

Finally, as I began to feel better, I realized that though I spent a lot of time on Facebook, joining Pinterest and filling up bulletin boards, and sleeping, the one thing I didn't do was seek out my Creator, my Savior, my Healer, The Great Physician.  I wanted so badly to get well and yet Christ was not on my mind.  Once or twice I may have thought to go to Him but was easily distracted and the thought quickly vanished.

I went to the doctor and after a battery of questions, tests, and lab-work, the cause of my illness went undetected and I was given vague instructions.  The next day, feeling well enough to go to Church, I sat in the lobby afterward waiting for Andrew, who was serving for an event following the service, and came down on my knees in repentance.  I realized that my lack of Christ as my hope in my illness had some ugly repercussions--my attitude, my relationship with my husband, and my ability to get well.  Two days later, still improving, I wrote this in my journal:

"Lord, not two days ago did I fall at your feet and repent for not seeking You when I was ill and yet I am just now coming back to You!  I am so very tired as I'm still healing and yet have been keeping myself so busy.  I look back at my time in bed and am thinking of how many chores I need to do to make up for the lost time rather than reveling in the chance to just rest.

As a result of all of this, I sit here feeling spent and am reminded, yet again, of Mary and Martha.  Mary is forever on her knees before the feet of Christ (Luke 10:39; John 11:32, 12:3) whether she was strong in faith or not.  I feel more like that which describes Martha in Luke 10:41, "Anxious and troubled about many things (NLT)" even when forced to rest; forced to let go of my many anxieties and troubles; I fail to look at Jesus' feet and remember that there's a better way--a road that will carry me rather than one which is a burden for me to carry.

God, as I face needing to go back to wok and dive into all the tasks which need to be done, I cry out to You to form in my heart and mind the vision of rest.  Andrew has been telling me that there is a difference between what needs to be done right now, what should be done but can wait, and what I need to just completely look away from and forget about--to not worry myself over at all. Help me to distinguish these, Father!  Help me to learn the beauty of Jesus' feet."

My hope in sharing this with you is that you would also be encouraged to reflect on Jesus' feet as Mary did; that you would let go of the many things which cause anxiety and trouble in your heart, mind, and spirit and seek the feet of Him who has already taken on those burdens for you on the path to righteousness.  Being free of anxiety and trouble over many things allows me to take my eyes off being free of my own burdens that I might help lighten those of others around me.

Waiting, and Waiting, and Waiting...

Part One

Typical Andrew and Bethany expressions...

I have been a married woman for officially six days.  I write this as we drive back from our honeymoon.  So far, married life has been one I’ve easily settled into.  I’m not sure I’ve come to fully absorb it’s reality, however, and won’t be too naive to suggest that I’ve got this whole marriage thing figured out.  In all honesty, I know that I don’t and trust it will be something both Andrew, my husband, and I will be figuring out for the rest of our lives.  One thing I am sure of is that this is something we’ve both been waiting for through most of our lives.  The weeks which dwindled quickly into the days leading up to our wedding day, I was enlightened to a number of things which I had been waiting for that seemed to suddenly come to fruition.  Most of them have to do practically with our wedding and marriage, and though others seem relatively unrelated, I think God worked it all into one big plan for me to see how big of a God I serve.

Soon after our engagement, Andrew and I were faced with the reality that we didn’t really have much money, if any, to spare for wedding expenses.  We’ve both been working really hard for minimal pay.  We’d both been, and still are, in the midst of career transitions and money was tight; even in our day to day living.  Extenuating circumstances with my parents meant that, unless we waiting an additional 4-6 months to be married, we would be on our own for our December 30th wedding.  We prayed individually, together, and with those we trusted and we discussed logistics for setting a date throughout the first month of our four month engagement.  December 30th was the day to which we were fairly certain God was leading.  We set that date with great faith, not knowing how we were going to pay for our wedding.  Knowing we had enough money for a marriage license, we talked many times about running to the courthouse--which I learned from many married couples is a common discussion amongst engaged couples.

We stepped out in faith and our Father met us there...wherever “there” was for any given situation or need.  God’s provision for our wedding reminded me of the wedding at Cana as told in John 2:1-12; ironically and unknowingly chosen by my parents for the theme verse for the wedding cake which they designed for us.  It seemed there were times that we pleaded for His provision, waited, then pleaded again.  He met us in every possible way for our needs (not necessarily all of our wants, but many of our wants and all of our needs). Many times this happened at the last minute and in a way which we least expected, just as the master of the wedding feast at Cana wasn’t expecting the lack of wine to be remedied by a miracle performed by the Son of God and Savior of the World.

While we didn’t have wine at our wedding, there were many things we had that we can only attribute to God working through other’s for us and for His glory.  For an abbreviated list, consider this:

• The church gave us a discount, moreover having the reception there, the cost of our wedding location was very minimal.  Still, it was several hundred dollars which we didn’t have.  Through some very generous gifts, however, the cost was covered, still having money left over for our marriage license and for Andrew (an auto-mechanic who enjoys roughhousing with his middle school boys small group; enough said) to get very badly needed glasses.  
• Guests, and especially the bridal party, were generous in their contributions for our potluck reception.  
• The ceremony music was arranged and performed live at no cost by members of our wedding party.  
• The photography, lights, sound, set up, tear-down, and even on site coordination of the entire day was done voluntarily by dear friends from the church and middle school students from the church’s youth ministry.  
• The minister, the pastor of the middle school ministry where Andrew and I met as volunteer leaders, officiated free of charge (he became licensed through the church to officiate weddings because we asked him to officiate ours).  

Most importantly, the name of Jesus and the Truth of the Gospel were clearly proclaimed by word and deed.  It was really a picture of people coming together as in the first church did as depicted in Acts 2:42-47.  There were so many small things which came together that would make this blog entry far too lengthy, if it isn’t already.

A few days before the wedding day itself, the inevitable question, “Where will you take your honeymoon?” began to arise consistently.  The answer to this question was difficult.  We knew what we had hoped to do but we had faced the reality that we may be spending our wedding night in the small condo which we were sharing with our friend, Sarah--furthest thing from ideal!  While we would have made it work and made it wonderful, it was definitely not our ideal picture.

Just a few of those that helped make
our dream wedding become a reality

The day before our wedding, we received a highly unexpected gift.  A very good friend of Andrew’s (one of the groomsmen) and his wife set us up with a beautiful hotel room in downtown Orlando on the night of our wedding, along with four nights on the beach on Jekyll Island, Georgia.  A final night was a gift from Andrew’s parents, using travel points, at a Hampton on the island.  Our dream of honeymooning on the ocean became a glorious reality.  I couldn’t have imagined of a better way to bring in 2012; with a husband on an island on the ocean.  Besides that, the gifts from our wedding guests totaled to several hundred dollars in cash, which allowed us to enjoy our time together without worrying about spending too much on meals.

Throughout our wedding planning, though I fell into times of great stress and anxiety over our finances and the costs of just about everything, I tried to rest my faith in Matthew 6.  The chapter became very real to me over this time.  The couple who gave us the honeymoon did so with tact and grace, portraying Jesus’ command in verses 1-4; “...when you give to the needy, do not let your left hand know what your right hand is doing, so that your giving may be in secret...”  

I’m not sure I’ve experienced such a blatant answer to prayer as I have through this experience of getting married on pennies.  I’ve seen Matthew 6:19-24 with so much more clarity in what God has done through mine and Andrew’s marriage.  So many times I felt as if money and jobs were dictating our identity and our lives.  How many times had I cried out to God to free me from that place and I’ve experienced significant freedom in the generosity of my fellow believers.  Just a couple weeks ago Andrew and I looked at our bank accounts and wondered how we’d get through the next week, wedding aside.  Now, as we look at joining our accounts, we can breath again.

Part Two

As I mentioned at the beginning of this post, it hasn’t just been the wedding that has shown me God’s enduring presence in my life.  Cherishing my self-image; that is my inner and outer beauty; has been a plea of mine to God for as long as I can remember.  This is another place in my life where God has done significant work over the past few months.

Without realizing it, my desire to leave my life of singleness has had a significant influence on my self-image.  For twenty-eight years I prayed that God would bring me my “Prince Charming,” my rescuer, my “soul-mate.”  The question, “Am I worthy?”  has constantly been a doubt in my mind.  For many years I was okay discovering my independence, pouring over Paul’s words in 1 Corinthians 7:25-40.  “Can I do it on my own?  Can I find fulfillment in God alone?”  In theory, I can do it on my own and have found fulfillment in God alone as much as a broken individual can hope for but I long felt the calling for marriage.  Getting into my late twenties, one might say that fear of being single forever began to tap me on the shoulder.

Well, “prince,” would be a great way to describe Andrew, and he’s definitely been a model of a “rescuer” in my life.  However, he’s not “The Prince,” or “The Rescuer.”  I’ve come to understand that only Jesus Christ can fulfill those roles.  I’ve come to rescind the western societal view of “soul-mate,” either.  However, in a right Biblical role of a man and woman in love (see Ephesians 5:22-33), Andrew is my Prince and my Rescuer; he’s an example for me of how Christ love’s the Church.  Being married to him has brought this image into a whole new light and understanding for me.  That will be a topic for discussion in another post--maybe after I’ve been married longer than a few days!  What I’d like to emphasize, here, now, is that being with Andrew, and now being married to Andrew, has been a big part in my journey toward recognizing my self-worth; the worth with which God created me and furthermore, the worth of my whole life’s meaning.  This is not just to be a wife and a help-mate but an heiress in the Kingdom of God (Romans 8:12-17), a princess (without the lace and gold); not just the bride of a man but the bride of my Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ.

As for the outward side of my self-image, it’s still a bit of a struggle and a mystery to me.  Andrew calls me “pretty” daily and often adds in “beautiful,” and “gorgeous.”  Since I was very young (I’m not certain, but possibly as young as seven years old) I have had an aversion to my skin.  It began with my arms.  I noticed little bumps on my elbows and  knees but what really bothered me was that they were also on the backs of my upper arms.  I hated them and began to pick at them.  Then, when I became older and began puberty, I began to pick at the acne on my face, my neck, and my back.  I’ll save you the psychological map I’ve partially unearthed concerning this issue.  The important aspect of this problem is that these bumps; these imperfections; made me feel ugly.  I mean really ugly.  The problem is that I pick them away and they just come back.  And they come back worse.  Furthermore, the more I pick, the more I want to pick and the greater chance I develop long-term repercussions called scars.  

My struggle with my outward beauty is more than skin deep and has become a vicious cycle.  Once Andrew proposed marriage to me, I became more comfortable disclosing such information with him.  I had decided several times over the past couple years that I wanted to stop picking my skin but proved a failure.  I would come back with more vengeance than before.  With my permission, Andrew offered to hold me accountable--asking me daily, at first, how I was doing with not picking.  He began to be more intentional about telling me how pretty I am and began researching adult acne for me (maybe it’s having been home-schooled but Andrew proves to be a whiz at internet research).  I was very adamant about natural skin care and Andrew found a treatment using fresh lemons that, after a few trials and refinements, works beautifully.  I also began to research and have refined a facial mask using just honey and baking soda.  These combinations draw out the impurities, open up my pores, heal blemishes and diminish the left over red spots.   

Having someone who loves me ask me consistently how I’m doing with my resolution and showing true concern when I don’t follow through, has been a significant blessing from God.  In addition to being held accountable to not pick, I’ve had a companion to help me find a natural way that really works to get rid of acne I’ve had for fourteen years.  It could have been someone else that helped me through this but I’m glad it was my husband.  It drew us together with an intimacy appropriate for that stage in our relationship which now affects us as we draw even closer as man and wife.  For, if a wife is insecure about her self-image; physically or inwardly; then she cannot be fully secure in her relationship with her husband.

I have waited for so long and for much of that waiting, so impatiently.  Patience, or long-suffering, is not something I’ve been very gifted in.  My mother often jokes about the fact that since it only took one hour of labor for me to be born, she hasn’t been surprised that I’m not more patient about other things in life.  In all of this waiting--for a husband, for clear skin, for a breakthrough in my skin picking addiction, and for financial provision for my life and marriage--I’ve been blown away by how God has come through on every little detail.  The desert seemed so vast and so dry and so unbearable while I was in the waiting period for all of these things and now I’m swimming in a sea of God’s grace and mercy.  He’s given me groves of nourishment, fields of blessings, and showers of love.