God and I had a conversation a while back that sounded a lot like this:
God: Bethany, you are going to serve me in full-time youth ministry.
Me: Uhhh...no, I'm not. (Goes about her business)
God: Bethany, you are going to serve me in full-time youth ministry.
Me: Um, yeah, no. You are kidding! I'm not going into full-time ministry.
God: No, really, Bethany. I'm serious. I need you to serve me in full-time youth ministry.
Me: I am?
God: Yes. You are.
Me: Oh.
God: (patiently waiting)
Me: God, I think I need to serve you in full-time youth ministry.
God: Yes. You are.
Me: I'm going to serve God in full-time youth ministry!!!
That conversation, had in January of 2005, launched me on a crazy journey. I began talking to people and getting involved in youth events--mainly Student Venture conferences (Campus Crusade for Christ's high school outreach) where I fell in love with what God was doing in the lives of teenagers and later that year, began a 1 1/2 year internship. In July of 2007 I joined staff full-time where I really connected deeply with high school girls. I saw kids come to know Jesus in a very personal way and walked through some really difficult issues with them. I saw a lot of hurt in America's sweet sixteens.
Then my own hurt attacked me from a sidewind. In the beginning of 2009, my "best friend" from college, in an abusive co-dependent relationship, began to really get into deep depression and reliance on me and her boyfriend. Me, having my own dependency issues, tried to be her savior. I was, of course, in ministry, wasn't I? I had all the answers, didn't I? I could rescue her, couldn't I, just like I could rescue all of the girls I was working with, right?
Well, it just so happens that the situation didn't turn out that way. I lost my friendship with this great friend while on vacation with her at Disney World. It was messy, dirty, and distorted beyond repair. I was devastated. Was I rescuing her as a way to rescue myself? Working with the high school girls became exhausting as I walked through this tragedy in my life and my health went into a downward spiral.
That summer I found myself in Fort Collins, Colorado, taking Bible classes with fellow Student Venture staff. It had turned into a refuge of being surrounded by like-minded believers--a time for healing and discovering myself. The pain was worse than any physical pain I had experienced and it only seemed to get worse as I dug deep to find out what weapon had penetrated me so deeply. By the end of the summer I found myself on anti-depressants and anti-anxiety medication. I would cry for hours thinking about going back to my high school girls as I could barely even take care of myself.
My emotional state was taken very seriously by the leaders of the ministry. After much discussion, and much resistance from me, we decided that it would be best if I moved to Orlando, Florida, to work behind a computer at the national headquarters rather than face to face with the teenagers. I reluctantly moved...
And then I joyfully stayed. God opened up, not only the root of my pain that I might heal, but also a view into gifts He had given me which I had been ignoring. I realized that, yes, I still have a passion for teenagers and women but also a passion and talent for writing, among many other things.
As I prayed about how I could combine my two passions, my financial support for my ministry began to struggle. I worked fervently off and on for a year to build a team of financial support that would sustain the ministry God had given me. When instead of growing, my team kept shrinking, I began to look into other options. What God led me to do was not something I ever expected but seemed only right--leave the ministry.
As of August first, for the first time since January of 2006, I was not getting a paycheck from Student Venture. I was living ministry partner free. It's been an odd feeling...until now.
Enter the love of my life, Andrew Marinelli. We are getting married on December 30th. Both of us have been praying about God's leading for our life and work since we first became serious 5 1/2 months ago. About 2 1/2 months ago, Andrew mentioned that there was a job he was interested in with a ministry called New Tribes Mission working as a mechanic. He mentioned that he'd have to raise financial support. I laughed inside. "Uh-uh. No way." I thought to myself. Out loud it sounded more like, "well, it's something to look into but I don't know how I feel about the support raising thing. I'm so weary of that life right now."
As it time went on and job searches kept going forth, NTM kept coming up. As it turned out, Andrew heard of a writing job for me in the same ministry. "No way," I thought. "I'm not raising support again." I looked into it just to honor Andrew, figuring that I could say I looked and that I wasn't interested. The only problem was that I really was interested! I started to laugh at God and having the same conversation as before. "No way. You're kidding, God, I'm not rebuilding a financial ministry team again," to which God's reply was the same as before, "Yes, Bethany, you are."
Unlike any other time when I've seen something I liked (like the moment I first saw Andrew for who he is), I couldn't accept it right way. It took a lot of prayer and research and questions asked before I could really commit. God brought me through this journey, brought me out of ministry so that I could write, and then brought me right back into ministry...so that I can write.
My life over the last few years has been a lot of tears and pain, a lot of healing and rejoicing, and a lot of very uncomfortable changes. All of this so that I could be right where God wanted me so that I could follow the dreams that I always thought I could never live out.
God may have a sense of humor but He also knows the plans for our lives.
Proverbs 3:5-8
Trust in the LORD with all your heart, and do not lean on your own understanding.In all your ways acknowledge him, and he will make straight your paths.Be not wise in your own eyes; fear the LORD, and turn away from evil.It will be healing to your flesh and refreshment to your bones.
Jeremiah 29:11-14
For I know the plans I have for you, declares the LORD, plans for welfare and not for evil, to give you a future and a hope. Then you will call upon me and come and pray to me, and I will hear you. You will seek me and find me, when you seek me with all your heart. I will be found by you, declares the LORD, and I will restore your fortunes and gather you from all the nations and all the places where I have driven you, declares the LORD, and I will bring you back to the place from which I sent you into exile.
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